smile through the sadness

2004-04-26T16:48:00.000-04:00

Your Superhero Persona by couplandesque
Your Name
Superhero Name	The Scotsman
Super Power	Can Cry On Command
Enemy	Martha Stewart
Mode Of Transportation	Unicycle
Weapon	Condoms

Created with the ORIGINAL MemeGen!

My Yahoo!

2004-04-07T17:10:00.000-04:00

My Yahoo!

2004-01-10T20:53:00.000-05:00

goddamn it. i wish my mom would make me an appointment with that counselor. that's right, she finally got the name and number of someone in town, so i really wanna get the ball rolling. i feel so horrible right now. i want to get to incredibly drunk...goddamn it...i can't though. joey will break up with me. the worst part is, right now i can't even trust him to stay with me if i need help. because he was acting weird last night, and i dunno how to approach him anymore. i'm scared that i'll make one wrong move and ruin everything. how can i get through things easily with him, if i can't even count on him to want me enough to try to stay with me? i never broke up with him, no matter how painful it got. i can't lose him. and i will not. i refuse to. so if i can just hold my feelings inside, for however long it takes, i think i can hold on to him. my worst nightmare is that he will read this. please god, no. but i don't think he would. he no longer really cares about my innermost thoughts and things like that. he just wants his freedom. and i guess i can't blame him. but it still hurts. because you think that hey, finally something in your life is going the way you want it to, and the person who is involved wants it to be the same way you do, and then you find out that they were lying the whole time. well, maybe not the whole time, but some of the times. ok see last night he admitted that we have good times together. but he said that the times he comes over...and we're together...are the only good times he can think of. and i for one think that is bullshit because he's had plenty of other great times in his life. he's just an instant gratification kind of person. he doesn't like to wait, and he doesn't like to work for things. and he thinks that sometimes our relationship is too much work and he's worried that it's not worth it. talk about a self-esteem crusher. how would you like to hear that, folks? coming from the one person you thought felt the exact same way about a relationship as you did. do. yeah. so i get that coming from the only person who could say something that hurtful to me and actually get away with it. because i am a pushover. and that hurts more than i can say. because he uses my being a pushover to manipulate me around, and i let him. and i'm scared to do anything else. goddamn it look at the mess i've gotten myself into. and you know tomorrow we'll talk and everything will be fine, hopefully, or maybe not. but things like this happen all the time and i really don't know if anything's worth it anymore. i mean, things with my friends couldn't be better. i think. and things with joey are gonna be better after we talk. because i know they will because...just because. and my family is as horrible and stressing as ever. my mom can say as much bullshit as she wants about being there for me, but it's a crock. and that's the truth. so i honestly don't know where to turn...actually i sent josh a text message, because i wanted to talk to him but not bother him, so maybe he'll call tonight. or maybe not. i dunno. everything is just kinda up in the air. but i need either mel or josh to talk to. they're the two most rational people i know, except also darren, but he doesn't know all the details about everything like mel does, and i honestly don't feel like totally enlightening him right now because i'm lazy, plus he's not online. goddamn i need a doctor right now. i could just let go, and leave everything as it is right now, and just be...gone. because at least i could control that change. my dad is coming home in a week. i can't deal with it. i just can't. and i wish i didn't have to because i really have no idea what'll happen and what'll change with him here. we'll have even less money and i'll have even less time to relax without being bitched at and i'm sorry, i wish he could just stay in goddamn hawaii until i graduated and he just returned for small amounts of break. because i just can't take him living here for more than a week at a time. it's amazing how therapeutic writing in here is. since i haven't told anyone except darren any of this, and i only told him very little. because i didn't know all this when i talked to him, but i've had too much time to think since then. it also hurts me that when we were getting off the phone last night joey said "i love you. a lot. and i'll call you tomorrow." and he didn't call. i didn't think he would but i still had hope. but no. and it also hurts me that he said all of that in one breath, which means that if he didn't mean to call me today, then did he mean he loved me? or is that total bull? i have no idea where to turn or how to take any of this. and i wish i could just go to sleep and never wake up, because then i would never have to deal with real life. it sucks major donkey cock. and yes i just said one of the hated c words. fuck that. fuck everything. i have no will to live and nothing left to lose. but tomorrow is another day and as i seem to like to say, everything could get better tomorrow. although hope is far gone right now, i just have to stick it out and keep going. i guess.

2004-01-09T09:09:00.000-05:00

RAWR! so i have much news, namely that joey and i got back together on monday, and everything's cool again. like *really* cool. i'm happy as...my dog sleeping on the heating vent. yeaup.

DAVE WAS ON THE TODAY SHOW THIS MORNING! it was god saying "hold on to your love for him because it will be ok." because we didn't have school today. because it snowed. because god loves me. hehe.

apparently they had to shut down I-66 this morning. because of the ice. yeah.

i have to babysit tonight. damn. oh well i need money...

i should call mel and get her to come over. or we go somewhere. hmm...possibly. i should also like to hang out with joey. but maybe not. i dunno. *shrugs* we have decided to agree to have separate lives, which is good, because i had my own life anyway, but it means we don't talk every night. so...i dunno. it's cool that we don't talk every night because it was too much of a good thing. it makes me happy that i don't have to talk to him every night! because then we have more to talk about when we do talk. uhh so yeah. i'm bored. and he and i are going to hang out sometime this weekend but ya know, i guess it can't be today, i dunno. i wanna go for a walk and then hang out in earthly paradise. then tomorrow he doesn't have to see me and sunday he doesn't have to see me either. i dunno. maybe it would be better to hang out at border's tomorrow. BLAH whatever i'll talk to him.

so next friday is the awesome show that i am going to. i can't wait because it'll be really really fun because joey is going too and it can be the perfect date like i like it.

anyways i'm gonna go take a shower. my dog keeps licking my leg and i HATE it.

2004-01-04T09:34:00.000-05:00

horoscope for tomorrow:

You may find that lovers and potential dates are in the mood to spoil you rotten today. The astral alignment encourages great warmth and real passion. Don't worry about becoming involved in too much of a good thing; we all need times when we can just kick back and be absolutely ourselves, so just go for it. You really deserve this treat.

please God, please.

also another one:

Can you feel that tingle, Aquarius? There's something electric in the air. Take another look in the mirror and make sure you're looking good; You won't be the only one checking yourself out!

ok. well. let's go. mel and i talked last night, which was a very good thing. see, i got myself back in perspective, as you can see. well andrew and i went to dinner last night, and then we went for a walk all around town talking and then we came back and sat on my front porch and talked. it was nice. and then i got home and called melly and we talked for a while and she helped most of all, since she *is* a girl and all. things are nice when you have friends who love you. i'm now on a mission to get joey back. he will come back because...i will work so hard to get him back that he won't be able to resist. well, if i keep telling myself that, and keeping hope, then ok.

oh yeah so i'm single again. go me. uhm not really, since i'd give anything NOT to be single, but there it is. keep up the smile.

i went running this morning because i couldn't stay in my mind right then, and i saw three dogs in the front of this pickup truck, three tiny dogs, and they made me smile. haha.

2004-01-03T16:48:00.000-05:00

well. today was the worst day in the world. because joey and i broke up.

i dunno...we got in a fight, actually i was in a bad mood, and i started saying shit and he just...broke up with me. and then later he called me and we talked and now we have some thing going on where we love each other but we're not going out. because he swears he loves me.

this hurts so bad. so much worse than any other breakup. EVER. i need to get out of this damn house. right now.

goddamn it.

maybe on monday...if i'm still here.

i'm not so sure i'll be here on monday. if i don't write anything else here from now on, then i'm sorry but i gave up. when everything you believe, in the entire world, gives out on you, there's nothing to do but give up, yourself. i think i'll get andrew to take me somewhere tonight. i can't stay here. i'm gonna kill myself. seriously.

but...he still loves me.

but...i still love him.

but it hurts so fucking MUCH.

the ataris are good for breakups.

2004-01-01T20:50:00.000-05:00

well. i'm holding up surprisingly well, considering that i haven't seen joey in a week. i'm fine though. i really am. it's just that i wasn't used to it. i'm still having horrible nightmares. i actually woke up crying at 6 this morning, which is weird for me, i don't cry, come on. so...anyway. i found out that pubic hair turns gray. i learned that today...i looked it up online. bwahahaha. i can't imagine it...but then i can't imagine it staying dark either. whatevers.

i just found this and it seemed interesting...a little while ago joey told me about a dream he had and part of it was that he was running around naked with his dad, but it wasn't his real dad...

"Being naked in a dream suggests vulnerability and exposure. It could be compensation to what is going on in daily life. Are you very guarded and unwilling to let people see the "real" you or are you feeling embarrassment as a result of a mistake or emotional reaction? With this dream the unconscious might be encouraging you to become more open with your feelings and more accessible emotionally. Additionally, if you see yourself naked in inappropriate places, your rebellious side may be coming through and with it some fear that people may not accept you for what you really are."

hmm. that leads me to believe that maybe he would like to be closer to his dad, but maybe he feels that to do that his dad needs to be different. hmm i dunno, if you have a take on what i just said, let me know.

DUDE. joey worries about people liking him all the time. case closed.

jason just talked to me. weeeeee-eird. ah well. it's fine.

andrew's an asshole and kelly keeps getting high and mel isn't talking. i may as well talk to him. besides i don't mind.

can't wait till joey comes home...

2003-12-30T12:07:00.000-05:00

*sigh* i know, i know, i should have updated lately, but i haven't. i haven't really wanted to...and i've been busy...and i haven't been sleeping hardly at all, or when i do i have nightmares, so i'm really tired lately. i really miss joey. i hate when he's not here. stupid florida. but i do hope that he's having fun.

my dad might be getting a job here. fun stuff with moneys. not monkeys.

uhm. yeah.

2003-12-28T10:09:00.000-05:00

*sigh* christmas. that time of the year when everyone should be happy. and i think it is needless to say, i am not. i almost wrote "i am snot." how apropos. anyway. so joey's in florida...that's fine. i hope he's having fun. and my dad's here. poo. and i'm back on the mac, as my dad decided that the dell shouldn't be used by the family, aka ruined by the family. what the hell ever. i don't care.

my mom's being so bitchy lately. i think my dad's snoring is keeping her up at night and that's why she's bitchy. i dunno though. i sure am sick of it...

we went to foster's last night with diane and raul, and oscar showed up with all his kids...it was fun...then we went to raul and diane's and spent a couple hours there. it was cool. my sister is also being a bitch. i hate her.

we're going to my mom's friend's house tomorrow night for dinner. ok.

that's all. i hate stuff.

oh yeah andrew and i hung out yesterday, it was fun.

2003-12-20T19:52:00.000-05:00

ok. time for interesting things. ok today i went to joey's house (shannon's house) at 1, and when i got there we went up to his room and opened presents...it was very nice. and now to say what he gave me. first off, he gave me this really pretty white gold necklace, it has a pearl on the end of it, with a tiny little diamond right on top. wow, it's REALLY beautiful and OH MY GOD wow. he has incredible taste. it's so pretty aaaaaa wow. ok. he also gave me slippers (green fuzzy ones with leopard print on the inside, yay green), and a candle that smells like my favorite smell (midsummer night's dream, by yankee candles), and a little box of chocolates (one of those whitman's samplers), and a stocking that he decorated for me...his grandma said he took three hours making it perfect, aawww i'm sorry but he's the sweetest guy in the world, wow. i'm serious, that necklace is really the best thing i've ever gotten. joey you are the best ever. :-)

yeah so shannon gave me two pairs of earrings (stars), a necklace that is a star with a little blue jewel thing in the middle, and a ring watch that has a frog on the top. haha it was great. yeah. so i'm gonna give her the present i got for her on monday at her party. i'm glad joey will be there...

so today was the showoff stasia day...i guess it went all right, i mean i HOPE it went all right...i tried to be on my best behavior but i was kinda tired so i dunno. i hope i was ok. i didn't say anything objectional. and his grandma came over and put her arm around me. and i helped her carry cookies upstairs. i dunno. i was a nice person today, at least to them. and played with ricky by myself for like a freakin hour... it's cool though. we had fun. we played with his train set...yes, i'm two years old.

anyway.

uh so tomorrow is WORK A LOT day, so that on monday night i can go to the party. yeehaw. and my dad's coming on tuesday, and then wednesday is christmas eve, and then thursday is christmas and joey's coming over! yeah buddy. i guess he'll come over after i eat christmas dinner, which is like at 1 or 2 i guess. so he'll come over at like 3 or 4. and i think i'll make him watch a movie with me. yes.

probably seabiscuit...i think my mom said we would watch that on christmas.

i sound funny. i'm currently not really in my head, because i'm remembering things right now, yeah.

i love rammstein. and joey. and together. yeah buddy.

mmmmmm

2003-12-19T22:39:00.000-05:00

ok

i talked to joey and i feel better

i scared him...he was crying...he thought i was gonna break up with him...

i dunno, maybe it's just me, but who can't love a guy like that?

*sigh*

but tomorrow is the day when i go and he shows me off to all his family. i dunno what i should wear but he and i can't figure it out. yes.

darren is an amazing friend.

2003-12-19T20:57:00.000-05:00

i'm tired of being forgotten and ignored. i'm trying to hard to hold on, but without help i'm gonna give up. when i give up on him, i'll give up on myself, because he is the one thing i can believe in right now.

i can't deal with this. i can't take this. it hurts me so much it's making me sick.

2003-12-18T20:36:00.000-05:00

oh yeah dude it took me 2 hours to do this one calculus problem. goddamn wanting to be an architect and do math things...

2003-12-18T20:35:00.000-05:00

LOTR TOMORROW! YEEHAW! ANDREW AND I ARE LEAVING SCHOOL EARLY!

i love everything. especially awesome movies.

yes.

2003-12-18T15:42:00.000-05:00

why did snoop dogg need an umbrella?

fo' drizzle

HAHAHAHAH

stephanie told that one today. yes. and let's see...uhm ok andrew drove me to school today and we got coffee and WEEEEE i'm hyper. yes. i drew a new munchkin comic today. i'm amazing, joey said it was really funny.

yes. joey thinks i'm really funny now. i love everything.

:-)

tomorrow is friday and I'M GOING TO SEE LORD OF THE RINGS WITH ANDREW AFTER SCHOOL! yay.

and then on saturday is christmas before christmas.

ok.

2003-12-17T20:04:00.000-05:00

report card day. hmm. two a's and two b's...mediocre grades for a mediocre person. fuck things. anyways...i was supposed to go to joey's tonight. but no. things did not work out and he was supposed to call me when he got home. i hate it lately because he's grounded and can't talk on the phone. damn everything.

nick won't shut up about his goddamn christmas present. i think alex told him something. stupid stuff going on.

i need to find some new funny comics.

i'm bored as shit........

2003-12-16T19:43:00.000-05:00

meow.

roses are red.
violets are blue.
you are bread
i am love you

haha that is a poem from the comics i linked to earlier, white ninja comics. exciting stuff. and very funny.

mewo.

that's what i wrote before. but then i changed it to be right.

wow the grapes of wrath is a good book. we didn't have school yesterday so i finished it. wow.

i'm procrastinating like a motherfucker. i don't wanna do my work...*sigh* stupid calculus problem set.

ah fuck it. forget doing homework. i miss joey. *sighs again* and i'm having a good conversation with the darrener.

goodbye.

2003-12-15T17:12:00.000-05:00

uhhh excuse my bitchiness last time. joey is a wonderful person, it's just that i've been bitchy lately and he hasn't been calling me as much as usual and shit like that. and he's also a wonderful boyfriend. yes. anyway.

i got his presents today. i can't wait till saturday...neither of us can wait till christmas so we're giving them to each other on saturday when i come over to his grandma's house. sounds fun.

yeah uh i dunno what else to say...i got shannon a present too but that's all i need to buy because she lives at the same place that her grandma does and it would be mean to not get her anything.

go to this place because it is funny. i printed a lot of 'em.

2003-12-13T15:46:00.000-05:00

i don't like it when people forget about me.

i also don't like it when they don't like me.

i also HATE it when they aren't there for me when i really need them.

and lots of other things

i've been cutting myself more lately. i've done it every night since tuesday, which is a lot for me. last night and the night before were both on the wrist. i think that i would like to end things.

fuck joey. who needs boyfriends anyway?

i also wrote last night

i don't need to rely on anyone other than myself. that will keep me safe for as long as i live.

andrew is being friendly. he is going to a party tonight.

i don't get invited to parties.

oh well who the hell cares?

2003-12-11T19:05:00.000-05:00

here, look atthis. it made me think. not about joey, but it made me think.

2003-12-11T09:22:00.000-05:00

I'M AMAZING

ok so...we have no school today because of flooding, so i'm at home and i'm making my army jacket better. yeah. which means i cut it up totally and i'm sewing it back up. yeah. uh so i haven't talked to joey in a while so i dunno if i'm gonna see him or not. but...14 MORE DAYS TILL CHRISTMAS OMG...yeah. christmas. joey got me a present and the only hint he gave me was that it is "real." uhh that sounds good. very. hehe yeah. anyways...i dunno what else to say, because i'm bored. *sigh*...ok time for something else to do. i'm gonna finish my coat today.

yes.

2003-12-11T09:20:00.000-05:00

Your IQ score is 129

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During the test, you answered four different types of questions — mathematical, visual-spatial, linguistic and logical. We analyzed how you did on those questions, which reveals the way your brain uniquely works.

We also compared your answers with others who have taken the test, and according to the sorts of questions you got correct, we can tell your Intellectual Type is an Insightful Linguist.

This means you are highly intelligent and have the natural fluency of a writer and the visual and spatial strengths of an artist. Those skills contribute to your creative and expressive mind. And that's just some of what we know about you from your test results.

2003-12-06T08:35:00.000-05:00

wellll i should post because it's been a while. anyway so on wednesday, andrew and i hung out after school for like two hours, which was cool because he's my best friend, and he got me pirates of the caribbean, which came with a poster (yay!) that is on my ceiling now, and then i got him some bass strings for the bass that he lent to me (haha) and i got some new boots too. and he drove me to joey's house and i stayed there for like half an hour because joey was upset. see, things still sucked ass up until like thursday morning. and then i talked to joey because i was upset because the reason he had been so depressed was because he hadn't taken his medicine, and that was really upsetting to me because what kind of a selfish ass thing was that? so anyway i talked to him and then i felt better...and then i talked to mel that day and we decided to get together and hang out sometime, which was cool. because she and tilly broke up and i'm really happy about that because he was a total asshole to her.

anyways. so thursday night joey came over and spent a couple hours here, which was nice because it was...great. and then when he was leaving, it was snowing really hard...after he left i called mel and we talked for about an hour, which was really cool because i've really missed talking to her. yeah buddy. and apparently i've grown up a lot. i like that. and then hmm...we didn't have school on friday because it snowed a lot, so i shoveled snow in the morning and then went and met joey halfway between our houses and we walked to my house together...that was at about 12:45 and we played in the snow, and then about an hour or two later we came back to my house (we went sledding) and my mom gave us nachos and hot chocolate...then after that, joey and i went into my mom's greenhouse to warm up and then mel called, because she wanted to tell me that she couldn't hang out last night...and then let's see...my mom told me that joey and i could go into the guest house and watch a movie if nick went as a chaperone, so we did that and we were all snuggled up on the bed and it was really warm. and at about 5:30 my mom wanted to walk to foster's so we walked there, and it was really cold outside and it had started snowing again, but that was funny funny fun that was fun. and i ate a cheeseburger at foster's, they make the BEST cheeseburgers. and i didn't want to leave...but i had to...

so then we walked back up to town, but apparently the christmas thing was cancelled, so joey walked me to my house and then he walked home by himself. i felt really bad making him walk home by himself but my mom couldn't/wouldn't get the car out so he had to walk. and that's about it for my perfect two days.

so this morning i woke up sweating and crying because i had a really bad dream and i called joey (it was 7:22 and he had called me at 7:15 yesterday so i figured it was all right) and his dad yelled at me, and so i kinda settled down and just cried for a while, and then joey called me back and he sounded like he was really mad at me for some reason so i have no idea what's going on and it's pretty upsetting. but the darrener's online so i'm talking to him, and jerry talked to me to, and i'm starving so i'm gonna go get some food now. goodbye.

2003-12-01T16:56:00.000-05:00

fucking stuff sucks. my dad might not come home for christmas now because my brother misses him so much that my mom's scared that nick won't survive it after my dad goes back to hawaii because nick was freaking out last night and his head felt like it was going to explode and everything. i'm really scared. i wish there was something i could do to take his pain and hold it inside me because i deserve it, not nick. things aren't fair. nothing is ever fair. christmas is supposed to be the happiest time of the year, but instead, everything crashes. i hate december, i'm never happy in december. i fucking hate everything. i'm gonna tell joey he can't come over tomorrow because frankly, i need a break from him. he doesn't even want to talk to me tonight but he has no idea how much i need him right now. and he's gonna go out tonight and that's fine, ya know, i mean i have nothing against him hanging out with his friends, god forbid i felt that way, but still...it makes me really depressed that he can go out and have fun and i can't, which is selfish i guess, but i need something to forget about everything, which includes a shit load of stuff i haven't said here and i'm not going to say here, and GODDAMN IT! i need someone to take care of me so i can take care of everyone else. that's retarded but it's true.

i feel like killing myself. this is the only mood i would do it in. i am totally alone, and i know it...i mean, joey will never get it. and it really bothers me to feel that way but it's so entirely true...i want someone who can listen and understand bt i don't want to force joey to listen and it seems like he doesn't want to. why can't i ever just have easy shallow relationships that make everything ok? i feel so fucking bad right now...

i am so low...

*sigh* fuck everything.

2003-11-29T13:37:00.001-05:00

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2003-11-29T13:37:00.000-05:00

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2003-11-25T17:16:00.001-05:00

boy jorj that was a long post

2003-11-25T17:16:00.000-05:00

ON THE PHONE WITH ANDREW.

yeah buddy i am BACK in my internet way of life! thank god for that. this weekend it's all about the stasia being an internet dork. i love it.

davone keeps telling me that a dork is a penis. jeeeezus. oooh my GOD andrew got his license! and he's falling asleep so i think i'll make a weird noise to scare him.

i did it. he said to stop having sex.

eh...

michael is again my loyal platypus! and now i don't feel weird saying that...ya know, because before, i felt weird saying it because i didn't want kate to think we still had a "thing" going on or whatever...michael and i should go get chinese. because he's my loyal platypus and if anyone attacks me he will bite their jugular. because i'm queen stasia of the platypi. god it took me like 984729837 hours to write "platypi." heh.

ooh john got a new snare drum. he's in a jam metal band. i think that's cool. i hope he and brienne get married because they make me happy.

i wonder if jerry's still bitchy...*asks to find out*

no, i did NOT just ask him if he was bitchy.

heh. i told him he was ok last week and he didn't wanna listen. he's fine. god. now i wish he would just get a fucking girlfriend and shut the hell up.

michael is going to get me a game for christmas so we can play together! yay. more friendly friend friendlyness that is friendly. yesssss...

I HAVEN'T TALKED TO DAVID IN A YEAR

I MISS DAVID

actually last time we talked he was telling me about having sex with two college girls at one time in california, and the bed broke...*sigh* david, david, david. actually i don't care, ya know, more power to him. haha david is a cool guy.

so i have a piano recital on the 6th. hmm. i am a little freaking out about it. but fuck it, it's in over a week so go figure.

ok so right now the plan is to apply at coconuts and for an outside job at giant. because michael says i should and he says it's fun. i'm cool with that. and if we work together then he can push me around in carts, haha.

dude john just showed me a page of guitar tabs and it was painful. forget my idea of playing drums. i'll let cool people like josh and john play them for me. and coleman. yeaup.

I WANNA PLAY DINKY BOMB!!!!!!!

or maybe zip zaps

i might do that. but i wanna talk on the internet and when i play dinky bomb and talk on aim then i get confused because of stuff. yeah buddy. i want more fucking sugar.

nick and i are watching austin powers tonight after he gets home from swim practice. that should be fun.

michael wants to have a party and get high and drunk and play soccer...uh yeah so we're gonna do that. except not. but in theory, yes.

the darrener is online! yeehaw. why is it that i only speak to males while online? THE WORLD WILL NEVER KNOW. it's actually because i get bored while talking to females, usually.

so trevor...is mad at kelly...because she and matt like each other...and he wants to "get" matt...when his back is turned...but trevor dumped kelly...so why can't she get on with her life? *sigh* what an asshole. i think he should just be shot so the world can be saved from another dumbass.

darrener is going to nj this weekend. in the car. actually he's leaving in a few minutes. i HATES car trips.

this morning shannon was lying on the floor with her head on brendan's backpack and i kicked it pretty hard and it made my day better. also, at lunch i found a roll on the ground and i ate it, and also annie found a paper bag with a nutra grain bar and cheetos in it and gave the cheetos to me. and then davone gave me his gatorade. all of this, after i ate my own lunch. i swear i'm gonna be 300 pounds.

ok i might call michael now. i might not. we should have a conversation though.

and i will listen to...DAYCARE SWINDLERS...until my head explodes.

remember, kids, caps are for hyperness and cyber sex. nothing else.

2003-11-21T17:21:00.000-05:00

joey came over. yes. one night that i will remember always. and it was good.

uh

shannon is a bitch. end of story. see, my relationship with joey is none of her business AT ALL. but it makes it her business. or she thinks it's her business. i hate her. end of story, for real this time.

i got another email from claire. that was cool.

haha i am on the phone with andrew and i squealed really loudly and he laughed.

i was so happy today.

and i still am. i love rancid and i love joey.

2003-11-20T16:15:00.000-05:00

ok so my plans are fucked. but i'm in the nhs. yeah so joey was gonna be here tonight and things were going to be perfect but now my sister can't go to swim practice because her ear hurts so i dunno if this is gonna work. ah well things will be good because i'm gonna make him come over anyways.

i lost weight.

dude. tonight. this is the one night that i will rememer for the rest of my life.

thank you.

2003-11-16T12:14:00.000-05:00

i broke andrew's g string already

haha that sounds funny

also i taught myself how to play yankee doodle. haha. nick wanted me to.

nick and i are going to walk down and buy some new strings later.

i really miss joey and i wish he was here...

2003-11-15T08:15:00.000-05:00

growl. it's been a week since i posted...heh heh heh *sheepish look* but i haven't been on the internet much...i really stopped being such an internet dork. well when i get my new computer i'll be on it all the time, but since that won't happen for a while, i guess i'll just have to wait. anyway. so this week was pretty uneventful...hmm on sunday i stayed home from my game...i had to do my homework and i really didn't want to go, so i stayed home. then i went for a really long walk with joey and then he came back here and we had hot chocolate. then that night was the wysc party and i went to that, it was cool...and i got $50 to coconuts, haha. i love when the season is over and i get stuff because now i can buy presents. yeah so then monday was great with joey, and then tuesday wasn't so great, but nick and i walked to his house and i got to see him for like...5 minutes and then the rest of the day sucked because that night he went to shannon's and went to the movies and he didn't invite me :-(. that made me feel really horribly bad...*sigh* ah well. so on wednesday he got to school and i was really depressed because i had cut myself on tuesday night (for a lot of reasons, not just him). so we had a talk and some more talking and i eventually felt better. so since then things have been back to their normal wonderful selves, which is good. because i am happy with joey, happier than i've ever been with anyone else. and that is wonderful.

he came over yesterday for like an hour and a half. yay. it was fun. curse being a girl...*sigh* but yeah. he's perfect. and i know that in all actuality, nobody is perfect, but what i mean is that he is perfect in my eyes, he's exactly what i want in a guy and so much more, and almost everything he does makes me happy. so that's perfect, in my mind. yeehaw.

after joey left i cleaned the family room and then my family came home and we watched finding nemo and ate pizza. holy shit, the seagulls in that movie! "mine mine mine mine mine" hahahahahahahaha it was so funny. i liked it and i want joey to come over and watch it on sunday. maybe he can.

uh

andrew will be here in...an hour and 45 minutes. ick. i wish joey was gonna be there. and i hope that andrew bought enough tape to tape his trim off. reowr. and he better have cleaned his room, too. i'm not cleaning it for him.

ok well that's enough.

ehhhh

ok

byes

2003-11-08T10:50:00.000-05:00

*sigh* wow. ok so yesterday was pretty great until joey called and told me that he didn't wanna go see the play with me, that he actually wanted to go hang out at his friend's house...uhh yeah you don't do that to stasia. needless to say, i was really extremely upset about that because i mean...we made plans and he wanted to cancel at the last minute, and this was right after all that shit on thursday, and yeah it wasn't too great. so i dunno. but i got home from dinner (i had piano and dinner i had to sit through) and he had called and left a message so i called him back. he said that he did want to be with me and that it was a bad thing that he had done (*cough cough* YES *cough cough*) and yeah we decided to go to the play. and i mean...i had fun...i dunno. haha i kept biting him and he was like "no fair" and i laugh when that happens. but the play was SO FUNNY! it was midsummer night's dream, and it was modern, and it made my day. i loved it. i think joey did too.

so. i wanted him to come over last night but he couldn't. but he might tonight, i dunno. haha he'll probably be too tired. ah well.

dude i actually had a sexual dream last night. hahaha erotic dreams. funny shit.

yeah that would be why i wanted him to come over

uhh

i got a flu shot this morning

and i have to ref two games and then go to practice

and then i have to come home and practice piano and stuff like that

and homework

and clip the dogs' toenails

and then...maybe...possibly...joey. :-)

tomorrow i have a game at 3 in harrisonburg. i think i'll be gone all day...in fact i'm pretty sure i'll be gone for almost 12 hours. i won't be updating tomorrow. i hate it when i miss a day, but hey, it happens. yeah. so uh...

joey called this morning to ask me what his phone number was. haha. it was funny.

i'm tired.

2003-11-06T18:01:00.000-05:00

i just read my last entry, and the typos are funny. yeah. but that was a long entry.

2003-11-06T17:58:00.000-05:00

i took this from sonya's blog, it's the lyrics from "wherever you will go" by the calling, and when i read them i was reminded that i liked the lyrics. so here.

So lately, I've been wonderin
Who will be there to take my place
When I'm gone, you'll need love
To light the shadows on your face
If a great wave should fall
It would fall upon us all
And between the sand and stone
Could you make it on your own

If I could, then I would
I'll go wherever you will go
Way up high or down low
I'll go wherever you will go

And maybe, I'll find out
The way to make it back someday
To watch you, to guide you
Through the darkest of your days
If a great wave should fall
It would fall upon us all
Well I hope there's someone out there
Who can bring me back to you

If I could, then I would
I'll go wherever you will go
Way up high or down low
I'll go wherever you will go

Runaway with my heart
Runaway with my hope
Runaway with my love

I know now, just quite how
My life and love might still go on
In your heart and your mind
I'll stay with you for all of time

If I could, then I would
I'll go wherever you will go
Way up high or down low
I'll go wherever you will go

If I could turn back time
I'll go wherever you will go
If I could make you mine
I'll go wherever you will go

and sonya also wrote a funny poem that i won't sopy and paste because i'm too lazy to go back and get it, but yeah it was funny.

yeah so. i feel better. if you couldn't tell. joey and i talked a lot on the phizone and it helped a lot.

i gotta remember to tell him to ask mrs humphries something tomorrow. about a test. i know i'll forget. except i won't.

ummm ok. school. is retarded. and i need my "happy potato medicine," as annie calls it. because the zirtek has that commercial that has the little sad blob thing, and it's cute. and then it gets happy again and it's cuter.

man i am the queen of procrastination. like a whole lot. i mean i've been thinking about doing this problem set for 2 hours and 40 minutes now and i haven't done any of it. and piss. because it's due tomorrow and it's worth like 98374756 points and all that. growl.

heh i like that. because i say yarr and rarr and reowr and grr all the time, but never growl.

what the fuck...

i have a tickly in my throat.

and my finger just started hurting...right in the spot where i broke it all those years ago. that's what happens when you smash your bones. they hurt forever.

jeeeeeeebus. it hurts like no other.

i like these little one-line paragraphs. makes it easier to read.

and i am no longer "online." there is no one interesting on aim right now. plus i'm not an internet loser anymore...actually i am because i have a blog. but who the fuck cares?

erin hates me. she is a bitch to me. dude so many people don't like me, and i honestly don't know why because i seriously don't try to provoke any of them.

so i was upset earlier because first of all, my entire day sucked major penis, like god's penis, like the kind that stretches your mouth too wide and hurts and then gags you, (sorry that was really graphic) and then i was walking with joey after school and he was trying to find out where his bu was because he had to ride the bus today, and we went out on the bus ramp and he was like "ok bye" and he just like...walked away, actually i think he gave me kind of a half-hug or something, haha more like an arm rub haha, but anyway no kiss or anything so i was like uh...ok...and then i went and caught up with him and kept walking with him but the buses started so i left and found my bus and blady blady blah...and then i was sitting there and i realized that his bus was right behind mine, and so i watched him walking around and stuff but he didn't look up...and then he went over to some girl and hug her and i know this girl and i know he doesn't have a thing for her (well i think that and hope it i guess) but it was that combined with the refusal to be at least kinda nice to me as he was leaving and everything else that started me thinking that maybe he didn't like me, and the more i thought about it the more i figured that it was true...i dunno, he's been acting different lately, kinda weird, and i just thought that he would rather be with so many other girls than me...and it hurt a lot. and plus i had had a really shitty day already, so everything was being magnified in my head and it was all i could do to not start crying on the bus. but will was on so he made me laugh a few times, which was nice. because i never get to talk to will anymore, even though he lives like 100 yards away, and it sucks. and so i got home and my mom and sister immediately left, and i was sitting here being miserable, and then my mom called and told me to bring the garbage cans up into the driveway, blah blah blah...so i went and did that, and it was raining a little bit and really cloudy and weird, like it has been all day, and yeah i stayed outside and took the leaves off of my car. because there were a lot of leaves on my pretty car so i had to get them off. damn it, i was tardy to third block again today. fuck. that's the second time ever, and the second time this week...*sigh*

so yeah then joey called at like 3:30 i guess and we talked till 4:30 and i asked him if he still liked me and he was just like "yeah. i love you." in this serious voice and it was like...wow because i actually believed him. i mean i do believe him when he says that. it makes me feel good about myself because i trust him a lot, and i didn't realize how much i trust him, but dude i do a lot and that's a little freaky and also very nice.

so yeah. he thinks that andrew likes me. psh. andrew likes...not me. actually he likes two other girls. and i dunno who they are.

uhm yeah the last two paragraphs started with "so yeah." i should shoot myself for that. except not. i wore fuzzy clothes today. happiness ensued...until i actually got to school. *sigh*

tomorrow's high is 58

it's gonna be cold over the weekend...like high of 50 which isn't very cold except it's cold enough to be called cold. and i like that kind of cold.

pasta bar today. and i ate so much i wanted to throw up.

uh yeah i think i should do my problem set...

i hate it when i start the day thinking "oh my god i'm gonna have an awesome day and everything is perfect"

and then it isn't

yeesh.

oh well joey called at 6:30 this morning haha and i had just gotten out of the shower and it was cool. i was like "wow i knew you were gonna call this morning" because i did. it's weird because we have this esp thing going on and it's crazy and weird and freaky but i like it.

and in the middle of my stupid and extremely hard history test i suddenly started thinking about joey and it was crazy because i kept zoning out and i don't usually do that, like usually i can keep my mind on track until i get my work done but i kept remembering that one friday night, that fun friday night, and you have NO IDEA how insanely distracting that can be when you're trying to think about history. especially boring US history. reowr.

well i HAVE TO do my problem set. i hate homework.

2003-11-06T15:14:00.000-05:00

well i guess i didn't post yesterday. i didn't really feel like doing it, so i didn't. i'm in the lowest lows of depression right now and i don't like it. it sucks really fucking badly and everything should die.

especially me.

i've not been this low in a long time.

fuck everything.l

2003-11-04T17:19:00.000-05:00

i went to the dentist today! no cavities :-) and he gave me a chap stick because i'm a good little girl. haha bullshit. but ok. and we went to fuddrucker's, and we went shopping and i got clothing that i needed and a backpack that i needed even more. yay. it's pretty too. it's one of those l.l. bean ones and it's pretty big and it is red and black and white swirly kinda. it's cool. and yeah i dunno. i got a sweater made partly of angora, which makes me happy because i like angora. and nick and i went to sports authority and skated in the back, which was fun.

i dunno what else. joey called me while i was in l.l. bean and i was really happy to hear his voice but i called him when i got home and i dunno where he is. i dunno.

yeah.

i say "i dunno" a lot. i also say "desecrated" a lot. hmm.

ok time for food and homework...*sigh*

2003-11-03T19:54:00.001-05:00

i hope he still likes me

things like that are scary to me

i dunno

*sigh*

i'm really tired and my back hurts.

2003-11-03T19:54:00.000-05:00

i'm bored. today was shitty and i'm really superly tired. yeah last night i went to bed at 7:30 and i took a 2 hour nap after school and i'm about to die again. just letting you know.

i have to go to the dentist tomorrow. but then i'm going shopping so it'll be ok. because i need a new backpack and i've been obsessing about it.

my mom's being a bitch

and i wish joey could come over and spend the night in my treehouse

and yeah. i just want to be with him.

2003-11-02T10:11:00.000-05:00

yarr! joey and i are meeting uptown at 11:30, which is beautiful and makes me very happy. then he's coming with me to my game, and then i think to my little kid game too. that makes me even more very happy. and i talked to andrew, which is wonderful, and he said the party was great.

i can't believe i was so fucking morbid last night. i wrote a suicide note. i actually wrote one. but then my mom came in and i had to delete it off my computer so she wouldn't see it. *sigh*

my brother put ketchup packets under the toilet seat. damn him. guess who fell for it.

yeah dude so now i'm gonna do the ketchup packet thing to somebody else. yay.

2003-11-02T09:10:00.000-05:00

some things aren't good. but some things are. wow how profound, huh? yeah dude. things are definitely looking up a little more today than they were yesterday, but that little is REALLY little. like barely. i feel a little tiny bit better because i walked home from church. man i saw kaitlyn in church, she still has the halo on and it freaked me out. i felt bad. i mean i guess she's ok but still...

i really need to talk to joey still. we didn't talk last night. *sigh* it sucks.

there really isn't much to talk about. i went to church, i have a soccer game later, and i haven't talked to andrew in a long time. rarr.

yeah yesterday i was in the blockbuster parking lot and i was trying to call andrew and he wasn't home and stuff, so then i hung up and all of a sudden i looked forward and andrew and his mom were there in his mom's truck. it made me laugh. but he didn't see me. oh well.

hmm. i wonder how that party of his went...

i'm bored. and my neck hurts. and my back hurts.

i think i'll watch a movie this morning. i'm gonna be home alone this morning so i can do what i want.

yay.

2003-11-01T21:45:00.000-05:00

i like making people feel better

2003-11-01T21:43:00.000-05:00

well, today sucked. last night was pretty cool, actually it was very cool, but today sucked major ass. i was home alone with nick all day until about 1:30, at which time the rest of them came home, which of course sucks. and then i had practice, and i was already not happy so i was doing stupid shit and i had to run a lot more because of my stupidity, and i dunno. i'm stupid and i don't think i'll be able to play my game tomorrow. i can take it when someone hits me, i'll take it again and again because i honestly don't care, but dude...i dunno. i don't wanna kill myself on the field. not in front of joey, if he's going.

i did a very bad thing today. it hurts me that i did it. and i know it'll hurt joey. i can't be doing shit like that. apparently kelly did something bad too. oh well that's her problem, because right now, i need to deal with all my shit.

i can't believe it.

i promised to try though...

i love joey and i will hurt him when i tell him

but he did it last weekend so why can't i

i dunno

i really can't hurt him. that will kill me.

2003-10-30T18:28:00.000-05:00

funny bumper stickers:

Sex is like snow... You never know how many inches you'll get or how long it well last.

Just because you have one doesn't mean you have to be one

Eat a queer fetus for Jesus!

Geez if you believe in honkus.

Sorry I missed church, I was busy practicing witchcraft and becoming a lesbian.

Nuke the gay whales for Jesus!

Abortions Tickle

Sex on television can't hurt you unless you fall off

Help end poverty. Eat the poor.

Nuke Pregnant Gay Whales for Jesus!

Women are not babes or chicks, they are breasted Americans.

I wasn't using my civil liberties anyway

2003-10-30T17:01:00.000-05:00

ok so...i dressed up as a whore and walked around my house...my mom came home...heh heh heh...yeah it was fun as hell though so it's all good. and i'm drying my vans as we speak. actually, as i speak. yeah. i'm on the phone with andrew and he's weird.

2003-10-30T15:28:00.000-05:00

ooooh i got the link to john's server and i registered but he fucked up so it didn't work. oh well. anyways. today is a good day. andrew felt badly methinks so he brought the pants and a piece of cake to me today. heh it was fun. and funny. and fun. because i dropped the pants in the hallway and i was walking down the hallway talking about how i had dropped the pants and people gave me funny looks. it was great.

i should think of something really hilarious to do and do it.

hehehehe.

kevin, annie, mark, kurtis, and brian should worship me. i did the work that they wanted me to do. and yeah it was nice.

so umm...apparently my butt looks good in these jeans, because they are the pants and all. i'm talking to stephen online and it's interesting. he's beating up bin laden...

poor peaceful man. i think i talked about that before...bin laden is very peaceful looking, it makes me happy. i want to know how he feels inside. i bet he's not all angry like i like to get. that is interesting.

yech. i have to do a whole bunch of yardwork today because of tomorrow. hahahah ok so i told jimmy and jason that the whole thing is off tomorrow and they believed me and jimmy asked joey in 2nd block about it and he was like "yeah it sucks" and it makes me so laughing! hahahahaha like that made sense. anyway. so now it'll be me and joey, the way it should have been from the start except my mom is weird. yeah. and nick will be there of course.

i still can't wait till tomorrow night, even though nick will be there. i just figured out that there are buttons on here that write the html things in for you. wow. but i didn't do that just now because i don't like using the < em > ones, i use < i >. it seems easier to me. whatever.

THERE'S A NEW STRONGBAD EMAIL!!! go to homestarrunner.com to see it. yay.

i can't believe joey hasn't seen homestar. dude. insanity there.

hehehehehehehehehehehehehe

i feel evil right now. i have minimal amounts of homework tonight so i'm gonna do all my damn yardwork and then get it done and shiznet. andrew just started saying shiznet so i am too i guess.

math is getting hard again...*sigh* painful! damn it...

anyways. it is now food time. and then work time, and then homework time. yeaup. and soap operas of course. :-) go me...

2003-10-29T18:45:00.000-05:00

stupid andrew.

stupid stasia.

stupid everything.

2003-10-29T15:25:00.001-05:00

oh yeah joey's in detention so i can't talk to him forever. damn.

2003-10-29T15:25:00.000-05:00

reowr...i haven't talked to john in a while and it drives me mad. i have no idea why i'm never online when he is...*sigh* oh well whatever. yeah so. today was weird because i was wearing a SKIRT and that never happens and coleman spilled water on me...grr and it got all over me. stupid coleman. but i don't care. and then stephanie was making fun of stupid bitch becky and that was funny. annie and i were laughing so hard...but dude right now i feel so sick i could die. my head hurts and i'm all dizzy and i dunno how to deal with it because i honestly haven't felt this shitty since like...last year and i dunno. whatever. except for when i was on drugs after my wisdom teeth, but yeah. joey looked really good today. i like it when his hair is down better than when he puts it up in his mohawk because it looks better. but he looks good either way so i don't really care...besides i love him anyway! haha dude he could shave his head and paint pink polka dots on it and i wouldn't give a shit. except i would be worried that he would get a cold. but whatever.

i'm a loser.

i don't care.

haha phillip was like "stasia, today you look like a hot secretary" and i laughed. that was funny.

i can't write everything in here...it pisses me off when i can't write all that i want to in my blog, but some people read it who i don't want to know things. is that clear? like i can't write some stuff because some people who i know read it would be pissed off. oh well. it is my blog but it would endanger someone else and i can't do that. otherwise i would have already said something about it and it wouldn't matter. blah. things make me so crazy sometimes...

oh yeah if i just post this then it wouldn't be published on the site. oh well i don't care.

my back hurts too.

shannon brought me chicken soup! yay. when i saw joey this morning...i dunno i was just like "oh my god i love you so much, how could i be without you...." and i don't think i said that but i felt it, hells yeah i felt it, and *sigh* i'm a loser.

DUDE i got a fucking 99 on my calculus exam, go me, i'm smart...and i got 1300 on my sat's, which apparently is good, especially since it was my first time. but i dunno. i wish david was online because i would like to talk to him. i remember when i used to paste parts of his conversations in here...*tear* hahaha that was retarded. oh well.

the people that are in love with me that i don't like back really make me uncomfortable, especially when they write stuff to me that i tear up and burn. annie laughed. i burned it when i got home. jordan and phil also laughed. as i said, i burned it.

i hate that.

oh well.

i'm going to sleep and then i'll do my history homework. yeaup.

2003-10-28T13:54:00.000-05:00

i feel weird. and i need a damn job. kurtis was telling me that a girl just quit at starbucks, so maybe i'll go work there...he says the work is easy and you get a shit load of coffee. haha. stasia on coffee. anyways...so yeah that might work. i'm thinking about it. but dude i need a job RIGHT NOW. NO KIDDING.

so.

life is weird. i feel weird inside...like i love joey, i know i do, it's just that today i'm not in a happy or a sad mood, i'm in one of those moods where nothing matters. haha mrs lamonica actually asked me if i had gotten enough sleep because i was babbling again and stuff. and she's right, because last night i had so many bad dreams about joey and i was freaking out and he doesn't know this but i didn't sleep hardly at all last night, i kept waking up in the middle of a bad dream and i would be crying SO HARD and stuff. that sucked majorly but i couldn't do anything about it so i went back to sleep, and then it would happen again. *sigh* so today i've felt weird and kinda scared about him, i dunno. whatever. i guess i'll just deal with it because that's what i'm gonna have to do anyway. jesus i need a job.

ok tomorrow afternoon is starbucks night. i'm getting a fucking job there if i have to kill someone to get it.

yes.

2003-10-27T14:16:00.000-05:00

everything is ok again. ok today we had midterms which sucked, but joey and i went to lunch after school :-) and it was fun. we walked home in the rain, and it was so incredibly fun! we got soaking wet and then i gave him clothes and he changed on my front porch. that was very fun...we stopped in waterloo market and got hot chocolate and i loved it. i can't wait till someday...*daydreams* haha.

dude...it's like...no self-consciousness, nothing. joey is perfect. in every way imaginable. yes.

i can't wait till friday night

my bra is wet and i should change it

umm

that's about it

2003-10-26T08:21:00.000-05:00

all right so i emailed him and all so maybe someday he'll check his email and read it and understand even more. i want him to know everything about how i feel. forever. i hope he stops by my house after he goes to church. i want...no...i need to see him. actually i wish i could see him right now but i guess i can't. dude he's the first guy who has actually wanted to have a relationship with me (i don't count andrew as an ex boyfriend anymore since he was always just like a best friend). joey. i love you.

2003-10-26T08:19:00.000-05:00

From the first time I saw you

I didn't think you were for me.

And now that we're together

I know that we're meant to be.

Everyone says you'll hurt me

But I know that you'll stay true.

Somehow you're different from them

And that's why I love you.

All the nights I'm not with you

I think of us together.

I can't help but look into your eyes

And I know we'll last forever.

As we lay beside each other

I turn so we're face to face.

And as we begin to kiss

My heart begins to race.

Hand-in-hand, side-by-side

You're the one I want in my life.

Being able not to worry

Maybe someday I'll be your wife.

I'm going to tell you this once

Forever in my heart you'll be.

I'm always gonna love you

You'd better not forget you and me.

2003-10-26T07:53:00.000-05:00

he called me this morning. and was upset. and i'm about to die. ok no joey was not the first "sexual encounter" for me. but it feels like he was. and he has no idea about that, i mean dude it was so long ago and all that that i can't even really remember it. i love him so much and i don't ever want to hurt him but apparently i did. and he was very hurt. but he said it was over since he talked to me, i mean that he felt better since he talked to me. i wish i could take him away somewhere where nothing could ever hurt him again. i'd take care of him and love him so much forever. in fact i'll love him forever anyway because there is no way i'd ever want to hurt him on purpose. i wish he would read this today, i want him to understand how everything is new with him. i feel like...i've never gone out with anyone before, i mean actually loving someone is so new to me that i don't think he understands that. i don't care if people think that you can't love someone when you're young, that you don't understand the concept of love. ok sorry but i have to disagree now. i used to say the same thing but now i see how you could love someone at this age. because i do. there is so much stuff that would apparently make a lot of girls not want to go out with joey...i honestly don't see it, i mean i don't see why anyone wouldn't want to go out with him, but yeah. and there's a lot of shit he puts up with to be with me, and he puts up with it, and apparently likes it. he loves me! and he shows it! has that ever happened to me before? no. not even close to this. everything is totally different now, my eyes are opened to a whole new feeling that i didn't even know i could have. right now, sitting here, i know that joey is the only guy i could love, ever, now that i have. he's just like me, except different, and i love that. i love everything he does, except the things that hurt him. and i would give up my comparatively easy life to make his better, i mean i would run away with him if it would make him feel better and if he would let me, and i'd definitely give up my life for him period, if it would save his. without him i honestly have no reason to live. i didn't realize this before he came along, but once i've had him i can't give him up. i know i'm just rambling now but since this is my diary then i can do that. even kissing him is so different from anyone else, i actually feel something when i kiss him. and everything else...when i did it before, i felt like i was being forced to. it was like...damn well i guess i should do this because he wants it and i don't matter blah blah blah bullshit. now i actually want to, and i actually feel something, dude i love joey so much. i guess that's about all i have to say on that matter, but someday i'll be able to make him feel better and i'll be able to make him understand everything i said here.

2003-10-25T20:33:00.000-04:00

rammstein lyrics

and then he kissed her
where the sea ends
her lips, delicate and pale
and his eyes tear up

2003-10-25T20:09:00.000-04:00

yeah so. joey. sorry i keep talking about him, but you know how it is when something is in your mind, and a certain song is playing, and stuff? yeah andrew is letting me listen to stripped by rammstein, and that reminds me of joey. yeah. and making spaghetti and other things. and plus he keeps calling me and being like "dude i love you SO MUCH and i miss you SO MUCH" and it doesn't make it any easier for me to be away from him! i wish he could come and see me today but oh well. this song is making me zone out totally! YARR! *sigh* crazy shit.

and so stasia finds out that she is into kinky sex...well apparently i am because i like to listen to rammstein. oh well. there are worse things to be, like offensive things, and at least i don't advertise the fact. except it's on my blog...*sigh* meh.

yay another commenter on my blog. i like that. people like to read what i have to say, yay.

jesus christ, this song.

2003-10-25T08:36:00.000-04:00

ok it's creepy when somebody i don't know looks up my name and joey's name together and looks at this. dude. and when people i don't know have this page bookmarked. yeesh. i mean, yeah, it's ok that you read it, but dude i don't wanna be stalked. and that's what it feels like. it's probably some chick who's in love with joey and wants to take him from me. yarr well that's not gonna happen because i love joey. so there. stupid girls.

2003-10-25T08:28:00.000-04:00

i'm...going...to...marry...joey...:-) yeah dude last night was the best friday night ever. we made spaghetti...and listened to rammstein...heh heh heh yeah. the thing is...i'm not scared with joey. it's like i know we'll be together forever and ever and ever, and there's nothing to be afraid of. we talked for a long time after i got home too, which was nice. he's so fucking HOT though. yeah. so stasia's mind will be in kind of dirty places today, but oh well. man, i can't wait till we get older and move away. yay. college is gonna be so fun. and dude i look hot right now haha...i'm so happy today, friday nights do that to me. oh and we watched dude where's my car...kinda. yeah we did. meh. stasima's happy today.

i have soccer this afternoon, and then i have to babysit the small ones while my mom parties across the street. and on monday my mom is going to another party, which is strange i guess but oh well.we have half days on monday and tuesday...and then friday is HALLOWEEN!!! another friday night, i think.

jesus. i keep thinking about last night and being with joey and all. i'm out of my fucking mind but from now on when i listen to rammstein i'll go crazy. yeah haha andrew won't like that but oh well.

hmm i should hang out with andrew sometime.

oh yeah we went to a movie last friday night.

friday nights should be saved for me and joey. that's what i want.

teeheehee

Soft brown hair,
Skin dipped in gold,
I touch her lips with her hands
I can hold
With eyes of passion,
A silken embrace
I smell the flowers
In the rain, in the rain.

2003-10-23T15:25:00.000-04:00

ok. yeah it's been a while. i've been busy, and my computer is broken so i've been off of it, but now i'm on my mom's computer so it's ok. i haven't talked to john in a while and it sucks and apparently i'm really depressed but oh well. i'm out of my fucking mind and i really can't deal with people right now but whatever! i'm on the phone with andrew and it hurts me to stay on the phone because i want to kill myself. damn it all.

on a lighter note i threw something at greg's head today. and then i was talking about stapling chinchillas to the wall and watching them twitch. and about stabbing someone with a pen and watching their blood gush out. go me.

if you hadn't realized it before now, i'm a fucking psycho.

yeah.

2003-10-15T16:28:00.000-04:00

yay today was...a boring and kinda stupid day, there's nothing to really say except kelly was never mad at me and trevor's going to RMA (military school) and umm joey's really great. we talked for a long time last night, i was really weird and freaky last night. and luckily i have this amazing wonderful boyfriend who listens to my bullshit about my sick life. yeah whatever. anyway. he is wonderful. but ok. andrew said i was huggy-pudgy, meaning i'm not fat or skinny like a stick but i'm good for hugging. i think that's a good thing. and my ass is nice. haha. anyway. today in first block phil and i were talking about something, i dunno what, and he said the word "cadaverous." and i thought about it for a second and started laughing really hard because that word is fucking off the wall HILARIOUS. think about it. if you see someone who is really pale..."my aren't you looking cadaverous today?" and you walk away before they can figure it out, and then they can't punch you. go stasia. that is the best word ever. i think my mom's gonna give me a suede jacket which is cool because that means i don't have to buy another jacket. now i just need some shirts to wear and i'll be good.

i can't go to joey's house on friday now because my mom wants me to stay in town. i hate that. jesus h christ. i dunno if he wants to go to a movie or anything and i'm not gonna be a bitch and be all like "dude we have to go see a movie or hang out or eat pizza till we throw up" or whatever. not that i would do that anyway. i'm confused.

i'm not going to soccer tonight.

i think i'll be with joey like...all day on saturday. because if he isn't moving then i can still hang out with him. plus i need a ride to soccer practice haha. because saturday soccer is the most important ever.

yes. andrew made another god pizza and he's eating it and now i'm hungry for food so i think i'll make mashed potatoes. annie and i were both craving them yesterday, haha, and i still am. yes.

2003-10-14T19:11:00.000-04:00

funny shit

2003-10-14T19:03:00.000-04:00

and you KNOW the only reason kelly and trevor are working out is because she gives it up so fucking easily...yeah i do know that because i have talked about that with many different females who are bothered by her lack of self-respect. but anyway.

i can't believe i tried to be a good friend and be there for her when they "broke up." i will never do that again.

2003-10-14T18:43:00.000-04:00

DUDE i can't fucking believe kelly and trevor! so i'm sitting here online, talking to jason and john and andrew, and trevor comes and he's like "dude what's your problem with me and kelly dating?" and i'm like "what problem? i don't have a problem, i told kelly today that i was happy for you guys!" and he's like "well maybe you should talk to her about it because she's getting pretty pissed at you" and i'm sitting here like "HOLY FUCKING CHRIST I DON'T CARE ABOUT HER ANYWAY, SHE'S A STUPID PERSON! LIKE YOU!" dude. i don't fucking care if she's pissed at me! she doesn't have room to be pissed off at me, it's not like i fucking picked some dumbass guy over her! jesus. if she cared about my friendship and all that shit then i would worry about her being mad at me but she doesn't fucking care at all. and she has no reason to be mad at me because I DID say i was happy for her! jesus fucking christ! i finally decide to be nice and happy for people and their stupid momentary happinesses, and all of that shit is thrown back in my face! jesus.

anyway so yeah jason and jimmy came over and talked to me for a while, and it was annoying because jimmy kept looking in my windows and making the dogs bark, but jason was cool and he said he'd come back and play guitar for me but he didn't. he had to get a haircut, and they might be back later but i dunno. oh well i don't really care if they do come back or not.

and i really don't feel good, the aleve is wearing off and my stomach hurts like hell. sometimes i hate being a female.

IT'S RAINING YAY

and yeah i really miss joey. he looked really hot today and i just wanted to be like "ok let's go" but since...yeah...no. but oh well. stupid femaleness. oh well. he brought me a necklace from when he went to north carolina this weekend, it was really touching and i seriously couldn't speak for a second because he's like "now you can put my ring on it if you want to, and wear it" and it was so cute that he thought of that because it amazed me, his thoughtfulness i mean. it's like...he actually thinks about me, tries to be perfect for me, and it's crazy how he gets everything right. and i've never actually been treated like that before and it makes me insanely happy. i feel really lucky because i swear to god i'm marrying him, there's no way i could let him get away from me. i love joey.

heh i have a cage in the back of my car. heh.

no more comments there.

dude! i called john today and we talked for half an hour! and it was so weird hearing his voice again! but yeah it was great to talk to him again. he was telling me about the sunsets out there, and watching the stars at night, dude i definitely want to go out to visit him this summer. i think i will somehow...haha. roat trip! definitely.

*stasia waits for joey to get home* this is crazy! rain makes me miss him a lot. i love the rain. i think i'm going over to his house on friday. and i also think i'm helping him move on saturday, if he moves on saturday. this will be a fun weekend...:-)

anyway...we cancelled my lesson today because i didn't feel good. sometimes my mom is very cool.

i played a trick on andrew and told him it wasn't me, but it was, i mean on my screen name, and it was funny. i dunno.

2003-10-14T18:20:00.000-04:00

i love hot water music.

Soft brown hair,
Skin dipped in gold,
I touch her lips with her hands
I can hold
With eyes of passion,
A silken embrace
I smell the flowers
In the rain, in the rain.

2003-10-12T09:38:00.000-04:00

I'M FINALLY HOME!!! dude on friday, i stayed after to play piano for phillip, then i went to piano and then we just ran around. alex and nick had soccer practice so my mom and i went to wal-mart to get pictures developed, but haha we crashed the computer so we ran away. and i finally bought tapes, which made me happy because i wanted to make a mix tape for my joeyma. haha he has become a "-ma" name now. anyway. after we finally picked nick up, at 7, we went out to dinner and we didn't get home till 8:30. that was great fun because raul and diane and everybody was there, which was beautiful, and alex, bebe, and i spent like half an hour making farting noises with our arms and hands. good stuff, especially since bebe is 5. heh. so i got home and did some random stuff...actually i started joey's tape, and talked to andrew, and then i went to bed because i had sat's on saturday morning. so yeah i got to sat's, and who was there but...josh! yeah i talked to him a little bit but not really, which was fine with me. he gave me a hug, it made me feel like he's my big brother, which is cool. and sat's were so hard to concentrate on, i was thinking about joey the whole damn time because he's in frickin south carolina or whatever and i'm dying here! YARR! so anyways...i came home and finished the tape, actually i walked home so it took a while but then i got here and i finished the tape, and then i went to sleep and for some reason right after that my mom came in and told me to get up and eat french fries, and it was weird because i actually did. and let's see...then i watched part of save the last dance, because it was on tv, and then i practiced piano and took a shower. and after that i packed my clothes and went to shannon's house. that was fun...i got there and she was asleep so i took my shoes off and left my stuff on the couch outside her room and walked in there all quiet, and then i got to the doorway and i was like "RARR!!!" really loudly, and all i heard was her turn over and quietly say "bitch..." heh. it was great. and then i turned on the light and she screamed but oh well. so we hung out in her room and talked for a while, and we made up an awesome game where i threw this spiderball thing at her ceiling (the ceiling slants) and it bounced off at a weird angle and she hit it with a tennis racquet and it was funny because we couldn't control where it went. yarr. and then we made yummy food...we took four frozen krispy kreme donuts and put the on a plate and then we got some frozen strawberries and put the around them, all pretty, and then we nuked it for like 2 or 3 minutes, and then we put crushed oreos on top. it was realllllllly good. and we had juice too which rocked my world. i like juice, haha.

YARR and the best part: i stole clothes from joey and i slept in his bed last night and i hid the tape in his bed so he's gonna find it and be all surprised. yay. ;-) and i talked to him last night, too. that made my day wonderful.

so this morning shannon drove me to church and then we got breakfast and came home, and now i'm home alone because alex has a game today. and i'm pretty tired but i have practice and then a little kid game to go to. damn it i need my license...oh well. i called andrew a while ago and he was taking a bath. i hate it when people take baths all the time, because i never have the time or energy to do that, but oh well. i'm gonna take a bath tonight i think, and i'm gonna listen to james taylor, because i don't think joey's gonna call me but oh well. i miss him so incredibly much because he was sad yesterday because apparently i've been acting like i don't like him, and he thought i was gonna do something bad or something while he was gone, i dunno. i'm gonna frickin marry him though, i swear. so yeah. he has nothing to worry about. and i don't just say that because i'm madly in love with him, or anything like that, although i am, because i know how teenagers, especially the female ones, get so emotional and all that and then it's over in like 3 months. although that's not what this is. but anyway, i mean he and i just...fit together, perfectly, and i can't see myself with anyone else. and that's why i'm gonna marry him. i can tell him everything, anything i want to, and i know it'll be ok. that's one of the reasons why i can't stand it when he's not around. anyway.

you are probably getting really sick of hearing me talk about joey constantly, but oh well. i'm crazy about the kid, what can i say? :-)

no really.

:-)

2003-10-09T19:33:00.000-04:00

you know

that feeling

when you're so hot for somebody

you can't stand it?

yeah.

and i have no idea why.

2003-10-08T15:40:00.000-04:00

YARR school is tiring! and i have to do my problem set for math still, i know how to do it but whatever. it makes me feel good about that. why do all my horoscopes have to be about love today? when i can't be with joey? *sigh* it's so sad. and i really wish we lived together haha. oh well. i want to have a food party! it would be so fun to do that. yummy food and food and food...my sister wants to go to space camp. hmm. *yawn* i want a snow cone actually. right now. well i have history shit homework right now. i have a test in math and history on friday and i'm gonna cry because of this insane overload of shit i have to do.

hmm. i feel weird right now. about everything. i think i'll watch soap operas for a little while.

au revoir.

2003-10-07T17:48:00.000-04:00

ya know...i think about it...i'm sad a lot, and i'm stressed and freaking out a lot, and i blame a lot of my problems on other people...but in reality, i like my life the way it is. i wish high school would be over so i could get on with my life, but other than that, everything's fine. i have this kickass boyfriend who i'm so totally head over heels in love with that i can't think about anything else, but if i need to get my mind off of him i do math problems that I UNDERSTAND NOW, or i play soccer BETTER THAN I EVER HAVE, or something like that. and my friends are being nice, unlike they used to be...and pretty much everything shitty about my life just kinda isn't that bad. i sound all weird and peppy like i don't usually sound, but i don't give a fuck because i'm happy about stuff. tomorrow i'll be sad and freaking out like i was this morning, but right this second, today was a beautiful day and everything perfect happened today and i am happy. so go me. and i love wearing fleece pants. i should talk to john. haha dude...coleman is the bomb diggety. and i'm not kidding about that one. he was listening to his music in 4th block and mrs lamonica came over to him and said "coleman dear i can hear that all the way up in the front of the room" (he sits towards the back) and he was like "i think you just have incredibly amazing hearing" and i dunno why but i find that extremely funny. and then there's my plan to operate a fat farm when i grow up. we were talking about this on the bus today...sierra and i were...and jason's little brother and some freshman were staring at me like i was the funniest thing ever. well, maybe i am but oh well. i figure, if i have a farm and i breed fat people, and then harvest their fat and sell it, that would be so awesome. i mean...think about it. i guess you could use it to start fires or something like that. and who wouldn't want a tub of human fat, maybe vanilla scented or something? HAHAHA i crack myself up.

yeah and that stupid fat girl was sitting right in front of sierra and she heard it ALL. go me for being an insensitive bitch but you know what? i don't like that girl.

MY BUS DRIVER FOUND MY $15!!!! i lost like $30 yesterday, $15 in two different instances, and she found some and it makes me happy because now i have money.

the citizen comes out tomorrow...i wanna see if that picture of joey and me is in it...yes me is the right word to use there. i am intelligent beyond belief and if you don't believe it then you're correct because my intelligence is beyond belief. god i'm so smart. i will smite you all with my abnormally large brain. stupid smart loser stasia who is incredibly intelligent.

HAHAHA that was actually funny. it made my insides feel all tickly, like i wanted to laugh but i held it in.

hmm i'm spending the night at shannon's house on saturday night. and i'm going to the dentist on monday because we don't have school. i like both of those things because i thought shannon hated me but i guess she doesn't because she invited me over. today at lunch erin was talking about how she had written in her live journal that if darren wanted a girlfriend, she would find him one. i have to say that i agree. he is a very nice person and i also wouldn't mind setting him up with one of my female friends IF I HAD THEM. yeah too bad i have like 3 female friends, one of whom he has a gigantic crush on and AHEM the feelings are not returned. poor darren. oh well he's still a good friend of mine.

what now. i wonder? i had piano today and that was good. i played my bach really well. well i usually do that haha...i love bach...:-) hehehehe yay.

it was perfect.

and it was a perfect day outside. not that i really and truly liked it, i mean i'd rather it had been snowy and dark and cold, but you know. take what you are given, and all that shit.

YARR i like to write stuff but i'm so fucking busy doing my homework in my room lately that i can't even think about being online for very long. plus i hate being out here on the computer because my family is out here and they are loud and noisy. and we're not even italians! god. haha i almost wrote "italions" haha like lions from italy. that was a funny. "stasia made a funny" heh coleman.

and it amuses me when people come up behind me in the hall and make weird noises. or when i hear girls talking about how they want to break up with their boyfriends but they are scared to do it and that they don't even talk to him anymore...god i don't see how someone can do that, i mean i would die if joey and i just kinda fell apart like that because i'd feel like there was something i coulda done. but whatever.

shannon wants to date someone. i think she should but joey thinks she shouldn't because she's graduating this year and he doesn't want that person to be sad.

uhm. well i think she should live in the moment. i dunno. what do you think?

haha that was kinda retarded. oh well. dude at least i don't do long surveys or any of those stupid quizzes anymore. haha. maybe i will actually. phillip and i are going to be porn stars. yeah i can't type the little noise i make when i say porn star because i tried and it didn't work but oh well. i make a noise when i say that and it's a very appropriate noise. but it's not like a sex noise it's like a little music or something. never mind it's not some nasty squelching noise or anything, it's music! dude i'm gonna shut up.

stasia? shut up? never. i have to feed my dogs so i will write more after i do that.

*feeds dogs*

ew. plain yogurt makes me feel nasty inside. but i had chicken made by my mommy for stasia tonight. i love chicken. yeah if you couldn't tell.

so anyways. i have history homework that i have to do online, and the other family people won't be home till like....oh i dunno 7:30--!!!!!!--tonight and it's only like 6. this makes me happy. and i can actually do my problem set for math, which makes me happier. related rates are actually easy because there is logic that i can follow, unlike lots of the damn calculus stuff that we've been doing. and i have no idea why but i like figuring out related rates problems and i wish i could do them for the rest of the year. haha.

i'm such a math geek. oh well at least i know what i'm talking about.

well homework is a-knocking and when i'm done if i'm motivated enough i'll clean my room. go me for being the perfect daughter that would also be the best girl to take home to mom and dad. haha that's a crock but ok.

crock of shit. you know.

:-)

2003-10-06T18:05:00.000-04:00

ALL RIGHT I'M UNGROUNDED YAY! yeah i was grounded off of internet for a while, and phone too...that sucked. anyway. so last week was kinda uneventful...on monday joey came over and that was the day that i got everything taken away...remind me not to have people over again without my mom's knowledge...haha yeah. and so all week i was kinda waiting for homecoming, i was really excited because my mom bought me this GORGEOUS dress and usually i don't really care about clothes, you know...but i was really excited. so it was black and strapless, and the skirt part came down to my ankles, and it was a full skirt of tulle with little black velvet polka dots on it. yeah it sounds weird but it was awesome. and i had black velvet shoes on which KICKED ASS.

anyway so on saturday morning my brother did the triathlon at the pool and i went, and so did joey. he got dropped off at my house at 6:15 that morning and we drove to the pool and basically he and i just sat there and got my brother's stuff as he finished each part of the race. and then we were sitting under an umbrella (it was raining a little) and there was only one chair so i was sitting on his lap and we had a blanket wrapped around us and the guy from the newspaper said it was too good of a picture to pass up, so he took it and it'll be in the paper when it comes out on wednesday. :-) *big toothy grin* :-D haha it was cute.

ANYWAY so i went home and i slept and then finally it was time to get ready...and i was SO HAPPY. and all of a sudden it was time to go and he got here and i was all ready and pretty, haha and he brought me a dozen roses (*another huge smile*) and parentals took pictures and it was happy. and then we went to dinner at legends, and that was really romantic because dude he kept looking across the table...and smiling...and kept looking...and i was all embarassed but it was really cute. and then we went to the dance, which was SO FUN and my god i'm so majorly in love with joey. jesus. there was just this one time...when we were looking in each other's eyes...and it just...fit...and i was so incredibly happy. i am incredibly, madly, insanely happy with him. and i hope we stay together forever and ever and ever. yeah no details.

so. i had a game on sunday. and we LOST. we had no subs and i got kicked in the face...with a foot...yeah weird. and i was all tired after i got home but oh well i don't care.

school is stupid and i wish it would die. oh well it won't so damn. joey came over and we went running and then he and i went to earthly paradise and he had coffee and i had orange juice and it was happy. we stayed there for like an hour and then we walked back to my house and i have him a sweatshirt because we were cold and he stole it. haha. and then he went home eventually, shannon came to get him. so now i'm here and i'm wishing he was here but he isn't so oh well. i love joey.

that's about all. i'll talk later sometime.

2003-09-29T16:07:00.000-04:00

well yes today is another day. last night i called joey, i figured he was upset because it was him who called as my last post was ending, and our conversation was shitty because i was thinking that he didn't like me and apparently he thought i was gonna break up with him so after we got off the phone he was freaking out. i really wanted to talk to him so i called him at like...9:40 ish and we talked for 2 hours and 10 minutes. (no i'm not a freak i have a timer on my phone) anyway so we talked and talked about a lot of stuff that needed to be said, and then we both felt so much better. god...he was so upset. insanely upset. and i made him feel better. that made me ultimately feel better. i'm glad i can take care of my joey. because i love him and all. yeah haha.

i'm talking to john for the first time in a long time! yay. it makes me happy to be able to talk to him again because i missed him.

this morning in cad jordan and i were sleeping and i was sleeping on his arm and he moved and my head fell down and hit the arm of the chair. not nice. and then he was trying to steal the coat that i was using for a blanket but i didn't let him, then he stretched out across the drafting desks and fell asleep which was funny.

john and i are discussing my chest. interesting topic in itself, i guess.

anyway so while joey and i were talking last night, the first time, my dad called and told me to tell my mom that he was getting on the plane and he wouldn't be able to call her till today. so i told him i would and then we hung up, and apparently i "made it sound like she wasn't home," so now i'm off the phone for a few days or something. that is shit in itself, he never asked for her so i don't know where he's getting this stuff.

it's finally getting cold! that makes me happy because i love wearing warm clothes. heh. warm clothes. yeah. and snuggling hehe.

and i have an 84.3 in math, which is a c, and my mom's all freaking out about that, and i have a b in history and GOD FORBID I SHOULD GET LESS THAN PERFECT IN ANYTHING, and blah. i hate that because she keeps bitching at me about every little thing. i'm trying really hard to be good at everything but i can't do every single little thing! god.

anyway. i had a history test today and i don't think i did very well. i don't really care though because it's jut history and in all actuality, i probably did really well and i'm just not remembering because i was really tired all day. in fact i should take a nap right now but if joey calls or gets online i want to be here to tell him that i can't talk on the phone. or something. yeah. i just wanna talk to him.

i miss him being with me...oh well i'm looking forward to saturday (homecoming)...that way i get to be with him for a while. that rocks my socks.

well as much as i love this conversation i'm having with john about my chest, i am about to drop dead of tiredness so i'm leaving now. au revoir.

2003-09-28T18:28:00.000-04:00

ok today's game was cool. i actually had a kick ass game but then our forwards are shitty so we didn't score. but i almost scored from fullback! haha rachel and i had this beautiful play, she got it and passed it back right when they were on her and i touched it to the side and shot...i was like 25 yards out and it went a little wide but hey, it was close. and it made me happy. and you know what else made me happy? i played the entire game, except for like 5 minutes at the end of the game (i got kicked in the ankle...long story), and i wasn't tired. in fact it was only after i got home that i got really tired. and yeah i took a nap and my dogs woke me up by barking and i was all woozy and out of it, it was funny. yeah i dunno why. so after the game my mom and nick and katie and i went to wendy's and ate food and then we dropped her off at the church and we came home and all of a sudden i was soooo tired...right now i'm totally out of it actually but i don't care because i had a good game today and i actually forgot about joey, my mind was totally in the game. that makes things easier for me. katie is a good person, i'm glad she came with us because it was fun to get to know her better. a lot of the new people on the team like me, which is actually kinda nice because they tell me that and they say that they like my attitude. i like that. haha.

yeah so. i hope joey ends up calling me because now that my game is over and everything, i have nothing to do because i'm too tired to sing. and all i can do is think about him. *sigh*

i was reading the dan danielss posts to andrew on the phone today, that was great fun. right here is a funny site, just don't be offended by...pretty much anything. haha.

all right. i want some different socks and i want them now. and i'm still sunburned and i bit my tongue and andrew isn't talking and i'm tired and my ankles hurt like hell (i'm stupid) and here the phone is ringing.

2003-09-28T09:48:00.000-04:00

i'm on the phone with andrew right now. i'm still mad at him for being a bitch to me last night but whatever, i am lonely. i didn't talk to joey yesterday and that makes me mad too. i hate that, that i'm so stupid and shit. oh well. last night i was bored and sad and i couldn't get to sleep and i was bad and did bad stuff. and then i still couldn't get to sleep so i ate some food and read a book and yeah, i think i was stupid last night. i stayed up late because i couldn't sleep but i had to wake up at 6:30 this morning and i was SO TIRED. i'm still sunburned...well of course. hmm. i can't think of anything else, i looked really good this morning when i went to church haha. and i hate church and my mom yelled at me during mass because i didn't kneel down. rachel is coming to pick me up at like 10:30 or 11...at least then i can have something to get my mind off of joey. andrew is building a fire and it's insane. he wants fireplace songs. hmm.

2003-09-27T20:10:00.000-04:00

so today was kinda shitty. yeah i had to ref 3 games today, and it sucked because i got hella sunburned...and then i had practice and i was soooo happy after practice because i was making perfect shots and it was wonderful. but right now i'm not too great and happy, i dunno why. we went to dinner at foster's and we saw raul and oscar, they were there drinking beer and eating fries. and then erin and tamara showed up and said hi to me which was cool. but i'm going through joey withdrawal, which sucks, i was with him for a while yesterday and i hate how i am stupid and i'm crashing from being hyper right now. stupid stasia. andrew hasn't called me back yet and it pisses me off. now shannon's telling me about justin. ok. maybe i'll talk to annie and vent haha. annie is a good friend for venting things to. i dunno why, maybe it's because she actually acts like she cares, unlike andrew haha.

umm yeah. so. i'm tired as shit and starting to be depressed. i hate how i am.

my mom was a real bitch this morning and i wanted to kill myself. fuck that.

DAMN IT i have a game tomorrow and it's in annandale and i reallllly don't wanna go. nuff said.

2003-09-25T19:23:00.000-04:00

ok. i'm in love with joey. like this is not gonna end type of in love. today was an amazing day. i lost 10 pounds since the beginning of school so that made me happy because i fit in these pants that i haven't been able to wear since freshman year...yeah. and dude i was so frickin hyper today and so was joey and we had fun and my god haha i'm in love with him. tomorrow night i'm going to manassas with andrew, emeli, perry, emily, jess, and joey, and we're going to border's and the movies and i think andrew and i are going to kohl's because i need to see about a jacket. because i need something for homecoming to wear over my BEAUTIFUL DARK GREEN DRESS YARR!

so i fixed my computer again and i'm happy now. yeah i can't wait till joey calls because i wanna talk to him because i haven't crashed yet and dude i love joey.

umm that's about all i have to say. andrew got his senior picture taken today, i hope it looks good and stuffs.

i wish i had facial hair so i could see what it feels like to have it on your face.

2003-09-24T16:05:00.000-04:00

so my internet has been down for like 4 days now...AAAUGH i almost died!!!! i never realized how fucking much i write in this thing. oh well. so to fix the internet i had to take apart like 3 of our macs to make this one workable and blah blah blah...now i took the other computer into my room and stuffs and i'm gonna hook it up to the internet too. probably tonight. actually probably right now. i think i might go do that...:-) stasia's in a great mood. oh yeah joey got a mohawk. it will be very very hot when his hair is longer. yay. ok well time for working on computersssss

i love everything

2003-09-20T16:48:00.000-04:00

i'm in a great mood today. last night was AWESOME YARR!!!! so i went to amanda's house and that was cool, joey and i sat on the couch and talked for like an hour and then the pizza got there so we all ate some, then we went outside and glen and shannon and joey skated while the rest of us did whatever...i played soccer and *shudder* kevin was there and he was being an ass so i chased him away and then stole his shoes and hid them in the trunk of jamie's car. haha. and then joey came up into the court and played soccer with me for a while. i'm sorry, but i think that you and your boyfriend being really sweaty and playing soccer is hot. so after that we had our shaving cream war (OMG FUN) and it was great, it was basically me, joey, amanda, kevin, and glen just covering ourselves in shaving cream and i put joey's hair into a mohawk and it was hot. heh heh heh...so yeah then we hosed off and uhh yeah that was very hot haha...;-) it's fun to be soaking wet and barely wearing any clothes...in the dark...with your boyfriend who is very hot...;-) haha. and then i changed and got dried off, we all did, and we went to the movies and watched dickie roberts. that was fun in itself...god i'm in love with joey...:-) yeah. if you couldn't tell, i had a lot of fun last night. i can't wait to talk to him but this morning my mom was on the phone when he called and she didn't let me use the phone until i had most of my homework done, i had cleaned the front hallway and the living room, and had practiced the piano. grr. and i haven't gotten ahold of him. damn it. oh well...i listened to rancid while i was cleaning and i don't think my mom liked that but oh well.

DUDE so yeah i've lost mucho weight lately and i think i like that. it's healthy too, it's not like i stopped eating or ate much less or anything. it makes me happy.

and i don't have a game tomorrow, and i didn't have a practice today, which sucked but oh well.

ok well time for stasia to stop being an internet loser. i'm hungry, then i have to go babysit tonight. go me. money.

2003-09-19T11:04:00.000-04:00

aaaaa i can't wait till the party tonight, i can't concentrate on my damn homework YARR

i hate all these stupid history questions that we have to do. i'd rather do a shitload of math homework than this. at least i can actually DO the math homework. which reminds me, I HAVE MATH HOMEWORK TOO.

shit.

oh well i can't concentrate whatsoever, at least until i talk to joey. goddamn me and my obsession haha. party. tonight. yeah.

2003-09-19T10:15:00.000-04:00

hahaha i just found out what a duotang was, thanks to sonya's blog. go me! well actually i looked it up after i read her blog but whatever, i found out what it was. anyways, last night i talked to joey for a while and then my cell phone kept dying and the electricity was flickering so we got off the phone. i hate hanging up, it's sad. so tonight is the party...DUDE the wind was so loud last night...i could hear my house moaning, it's so frickin old but it sounded awesome. amazingly my keyboard is still working...my brother spilled apple juice on it last night...dumbass. guess what a good song is: sell you beautiful by rx bandits! lookie here

Look who’s got a new nose
Plastic lips and fake tits
Ever tasted silicon?
I’ve got scars on my eyes

Look who is the best dressed
Oh my gosh the worst hair
Who designed that mink coat?
I’ve got stars in my eyes

Guess who’s got a new car?
Bet she dates a rockstar
I wanna make a million
I’ve got lies in my mouth

Eyeshadow and glitter gold
Diamond rings and lip syncs
Anything material
I’ve got scars on my eyes

Baby, you know if you’re not beautiful
Just cover it up
With make-up kits and perforated scalpel seams
We’ll do you right up
I’m so obsessed with looking like the magazines
Make myself throw up
But it’s all right cause one day
I know I’ll be fine like everyone else

Music played to advertise
Logo shirts and hair styles
Chop and cut monopolize
I’ve got scars in my mouth
Worship to the cash cow
Nod your head now take a bow
Faking grins and cleft chins
I’ve got stars in my eyes

Baby you know if you’re not beautiful
Just cover it up
With make-up kits and perforated scalpel seams
We’ll do you right up
I’m so obsessed with livin like celebrities
Make myself throw up
With staple skin and back stab flattery
I’m coughin it up

Hey, little darlin'
I’ll sell you the definition
If you follow me through
Pages and channels of deceit
where everyone is perfect
And nobody grows old
Relax in the ignorance of images
Cause beautiful is what we’re sellin...

It's not how you feel
It's only how you look!

2003-09-18T12:44:00.000-04:00

i feel better. i went to lunch with annie, mike, and cathy...bre and davone and leah were there and mettinger and tom showed up so yeah ok. and tomorrow night is the PARTY and it'll be fun. haha and i'm not the only one whose mom thinks it's madness to go to shannon's tonight, apparently brendan and mike aren't going either, which is cool because i'm not a loser i SWEAR. haha. joey went to the doctor's today so he couldn't go to lunch but it's ok because i get to see him tomorrow YAY.

my mom's watching soap operas and the guy and girl on there remind me of me and joey right now haha. stasia misses joey.

oh well i'm thinking...if the winds aren't TOO bad tonight then maybe i'll sneak out and sleep in a tent in my treehouse. i think that would be really really fun. and i'll bring my celly so i can talk to joey, haha. mmm tiredness. i walked home from cafe torino and listened to rammstein the whole way, it was great.

i wanna go to coconuts this afternoon. maybe mom will drive me before the storm hits...

2003-09-17T21:08:00.000-04:00

ok fuck being happy and fuck it all. yes i mean ALL OF IT. yeah tomorrow lunch is a nothing. that shall not happen. well maybe but probably not...and then tomorrow night apparently there will be a party at shannon's house but no of course i can't go. and then there will be a party at amanda's house on friday night UNLESS she decides to have it tomorrow night, in which case i won't be able to go. fuck it all in the ass WITH A SPOON.

and i still haven't figured out what i was supposed to do for history homework. fuck that too.

oh well i'll bs it tomorrow morning.

yeah so...i'm sitting here waiting for the last hit to strike me, as i wait i feel like i'm being crushed to the floor. all the weight of the world is on my shoulders and i want to let it drop and watch it all slide away. it wants to die and i think i'll let it.

i've never eaten spam. i'm scared of it. i hate it.

aren't i just the loveliest person ever...

yeah so shannon gets on the phone and tells me about these three guys she "has" and i'm all like "haha" and inside i'm like "dude shut the fuck up you can talk about me behind my back all you want but it still doesn't make you cool and besides i'm sure the guys are UGLY (two of them are anyway haha) and god i hate this..." and yeah. i hated it.

and i hate myself and my life and everything i've ever done because i want to kill it ALL and i dunno if joey and i can go out anymore because i'm a bitch like that and i get this way every time i reach about a month of going out with somebody and god i hate myself.

ok yeah i've said hate a whole lot tonight, but it's true. when you hate something a lot of times you feel strongly enough about it to want to kill it. and i want to kill myself. so i guess i hate myself. that's all it boils down to, a simple math equation. yeah.

2003-09-17T16:39:00.000-04:00

DUDE. today was actually GOOD. yeah so i was at school and all that and joey told me i looked good today (hehe yay) and let's see...I'M WEARING NEW PJ PANTS YAY and you know that makes me feel wonderful...and everything was great today, i almost finished the contest drawing and OH YEAH tomorrow we have a half day and on friday we don't have school! they decided to cancel it because of the hurricane. so tomorrow school gets out at 11 and me and annie and joey and maybe andrew and cle and whoever else wants to come is going to lunch at cafe torino. i can't wait because it'll be REALLY peachy keen. haha. yeah.

and kelly called me from trevor's house and asked me to do her a favor, which was if her dad asks i have to tell him that she was helping me with math after school. excuse me, i'm not talking to her dad till he forgets about it because i am NOT lying to him just so his daughter can go have sex with my ex boyfriend. sorry, that is just horribly bad. and i hate it. oh well. fuck that shit, i'm avoiding her father till next summer. haha.

yeah so i have soccer today and my mom's actually making me go. wOOt wOOt. soccer is fun but sometimes i just don't wanna go, i'd rather go running by myself...but since i won't be able to play soccer for 198523647963 days then i guess i should play tonight. whatever.

umm yeah so i'm gonna go eat some chicken and do my homework and listen to rammstein.

oh yeah i told joey that when we graduate, we're going to a rammstein concert and dancing really dirty filthy nasty in front of all the rest of the people and it will make sex look like a children's show.

ok. so now we're both looking forward to that.

haha.

2003-09-16T18:00:00.000-04:00

here's Feuerräder translated from german. enjoy. this is the best song ever.

Put that collar on me
I'll go down on my knees
And start to bark,
the pain has never been finer
Open the cage,
bring me to the realm of stars

Where stars have been,
wheels of fire are turning
We celebrate a passion,
the pain has never been finer

Hurt me slowly,
put me in chains
And fasten the knot,
so I can laugh
Open the cage,
bring me to the realm of stars

Where stars have been,
wheels of fire are turning
We celebrate a passion,
the pain has never been finer

Put that collar on me,
I'll go down on my knees
And start to bark,
the pain has never been sweeter
Open the cage,
bring me to the realm of stars

Where stars have been,
wheels of fire are turning
We celebrate a passion,
the pain is as beautiful as you
Where stars have been,
wheels of fire are turning
We celebrate a passion,
The pain is as beautiful as I

2003-09-16T17:33:00.000-04:00

meh i just got home from running. today was an ok-but-kinda-like-cold-oatmeal day. you're really hungry, and it's food, but on the other hand COLD OATMEAL IS GROSS. i'm talking about the kind of oatmeal that is supposed to be hot...but it gets cold...yeah. there's something in my eye and it's making it hurt and stuff. damn contacts. it better not be a bug part. i hate bug parts.

yeesh so today was ok-but-not-ok day. like first block was decent, i listened to random music like RAMMSTEIN and LED ZEPPELIN and NINE INCH NAILS and stuff like that. actually i listened to the cd that andrew made me, which is a good cd because it's happy. and jordan and i did paperspace stuff and i tried to print but "the server is unavailable" and blady blah so i couldn't plot the drawing. oh well fuck it. so i did the contest drawing. anyways so second block was BORING as usual. i hate history class because it's always boring and really uncomfortable since we're all stuck in there as close as possible, and there isn't much leg room so halfway through class when your ass falls asleep there isn't much space to shift your position. blah. and then of course we do boring history work which i hate.

let's see...third block isn't SO bad, i actually like it better than history because i sit by becky and ryan and cotov, which is cool because i actually know them. i don't really know ben and crystal, who i sat by before. and now i'm actually getting it and stuff and plus annie and davone and phillip are in my class and that is cool. lunch is fun because it's hilarious and then after lunch i see joey and fourth block is awesomeness in itself, we have so much fun in that class. and of course after school today i came home and ate something and then went to piano, i got home at like 4:30 and i dunno, took the dogs out and changed and then i went running for half an hour. i love going running at about 5 when everyone's going home for the evening and the sun is perfect in the sky and stuff is happy. and i like passing people on the sidewalk, complete strangers, and saying hi. that makes me feel like a good citizen. :-) mmm. let's see how long i can keep myself motivated, haha.

so i got home from running and i called joey because i wanted to see if he could come over after wrestling but he was just leaving and so he said he'd call me back. shannon's mom was all asking me how math was going and stuff, it made me feel loved because haha people actually care and remember stuff i complain about. that's cool.

yeah i just remembered i had to call my mom when i got home. go me. i'm so great.

i hate it when i call andrew and he's like "god stasia why do you always have to call when i'm sleeping" and i have to be like "god andrew why don't you fucking DO something and live a healthy lifestyle so i can call you at a normal time instead of waiting for you to call at like 8:45?" because i go to bed at 9 so i can get up at 6 and blah blah blady blady blah. yeah.

haha stasia has to get her 9 hours of sleep...too bad i usually wake up like an hour earlier anyway. this morning i woke up at 5:14 because i was cold so i put all these blankets over me and tried to go back to sleep but my brain wouldn't SHUT UP. haha.

i actually feel really great right now, going running is nice for stasia because she needs to get her heart pumping. haha.

yeah i'm not gonna have joey come over...

i don't care i'm gonna do my homework and stuff like that and get everything out of my way. stupid micromanagement FREAK that i am.

haha my life isn't internet anymore. i love that.

2003-09-15T18:03:00.000-04:00

eh. shitty day. actually school was fine, nothing really bad happened. nothing that stands out anyway. actually, some female walked in on me in the bathroom right before lunch, i almost slammed the door on her face. i hate the school and its non-latching bathroom doors. fuck that shit.

and my mom and sister got new phones today but i didn't. funny how i, stasia, who actually takes care of my cell phone and doesn't soak it in a cooler or let the battery kill the entire phone, don't get a phone, but they do. god. i don't care. and apparently nick is sick and he came home early from school today, and our power was cut off because my mom forgot to pay that bill but then she called and paid and it's back on (obviously). and so i called and left a message on our phone but the power was off so they didn't get it and then my sister called me on her phone and asked me where the hell i was and my mom didn't pick me up till like 4. it was annoying because i stayed after to be with joey but the problem was that i walked with him down to country cookin' so he could say he didn't wanna work there and then we walked back and he decided he wanted to go skate so i sat there...like 45 minutes till my mom got there. i'm not staying after for no reason again. and i didn't get back home till 5:30 and then i went running, that was nice. and now i'm home and I'M WEARING A NORMAL BRA WITH A SPORTS-BRA CUT TOP AND MY STRAPS ARE HANGING OUT AND I DON'T FUCKING CARE.

sorry my mom hates when i do that

yeah. so i'm really not in a great mood but i'm feeling somewhat better because i went running. people better not bug me tonight, i don't feel like talking to them. i mean it's always nice to be called, since it doesn't happen much, but yeah. whatever. actually it does happen a lot lately. joey calls. and andrew calls. funny how i have all these "friends" yet no one really wants to talk to me after school.

oh well i gtg eat dinner.

2003-09-14T19:42:00.000-04:00

yeah so...we went to foster's and joey showed up and i was happy. and i ate dinner (he had already eaten) but i made him eat french fries so HA. i win. and in the car on the way to his house my brother was being retarded as usual but some of it was actually funny. on the way home from his house my mom bitched me out (of course) but yeah. i knew why. she apparently thinks that by asking if we can give joey a ride home, i'm daring her to embarass me. or something. i wasn't too clear on that. whatever...*sigh* i hate getting yelled at constantly, i didn't really think she would mind but whatever. and it sucks because if i said that to her she'd be like "you never think about me it's all about you all the time" but too bad it ISN'T, i NEVER try to put myself first, i'm sorry but god. this really pisses me the hell off. and i know she'll be a bitch if joey calls but i don't fucking care. i want to talk to him since i haven't really talked to him today at all, i mean i'm not a seriously freaking clingy girlfriend (well maybe i am) but dude maybe i have a reason to be. so fuck all this shit and i'm doing what makes me happy. god.

2003-09-14T16:26:00.000-04:00

i have like...an hour and a half.

what the hell...he keeps calling and hanging up. i'm getting sick of that. grr.

ah well.

2003-09-14T16:15:00.000-04:00

yeah we lost. and i pulled my groin so my right leg hurts, and i babied it the whole time during the game so my left leg hurts like hell too. oh well. joey's coming to dinner tonight. yay. i love joey. go stasia.

mmm. big red gum.

yeesh. i always hated big red.

oh well.

2003-09-14T10:33:00.000-04:00

NO LITTLE KID GAMES TODAY

HOORAY

STASIA IS HOME FREE

HOORAY!

2003-09-14T09:32:00.000-04:00

i'm great. right here and now, i'm amazingly great. so last night i got off the computer and went in the kitchen and talked to my mom, then joey called and we talked for a while till he had to go. then i practiced piano...and after about an hour i went back into my room and sat there feeling kinda sad and strange because i had checked my voicemail and joey left me two messages and i dunno but it put me into a weird mood. anyway, then (surprise!) andrew called me and we talked till 8, which was when joey called. so i had to get off the phone at like 8:20 because i had to help my mom do the dogs' toenails and then i called him back at 8:30 and we talked till ten. that was a lovely conversation in every way. :-) it made me happy. and i'm great right now and very happy about everything and blaaaah...:-) i still have a game today, even though it's raining like a mother lately, but i don't care. joey can't come because he's looking at houses with his dad but maybe possibly he might come to my little kid game later, which would be cool. mmm. i hate eating at mcdonald's, it always makes me have a nasty taste in my mouth and i only have one piece of gum left so i have to save it for my game. blah. oh well.

AARGH and i actually finally fell asleep last night, it's insane how joey gets into my head and drives me crazy. i misses him.

oh well dude i just saw him on friday. come on stasia lighten up.

haha.

2003-09-13T15:25:00.000-04:00

yay!!!! i have a funny blog. that makes me happy. mmm fire drills...and joey being there...and then him kissing me goodbye...:-D that makes me very happy. yeah last night was great fun, we watched bambi haha and oprah and uhh simpsons and news and friends and seinfeld. and we ate pizza and apple crisp yay. on the way home my mom bitched at me somewhat but i dunno...she made me feel really depressed and lonely and that, coupled with the fact that i REALLY didn't want to leave joey and shannon's house made me want to die. so yeah i called shannon and talked to her because i left my cell phone and then joey came on the phone and he was like "i love you" and it made me feel better, i stayed on the phone and i felt so much better and then i could go to sleep. yeah joey is...grand.

so. andrew made me my pretty cd and i'm happy with it, all the songs made me feel a lot better too. happy songs. yeah.

so i went to the coaching clinic today and the teacher guy was a former national coach, VERY cool, and that was pretty fun. and it was over 3 hours early so i hung out with cle for a little while and then i went running. after i went running i was really hot so i sat down and in like 10 minutes i started freezing my ass off so i turned on my music and tried to forget, and i did...and then mommy came and picked me up and now i'm here.

andrew is kinda pissing me off. he seems to use me for his convenience. ah well.

au revoir

2003-09-13T08:19:00.000-04:00

DUDE

I HAVE A STALKER FROM CANADA

FREAKY

2003-09-11T21:01:00.000-04:00

i fucking hate history and i refuse to do all this shit. everyone can kiss my ass, i'm looking forward to after school tomorrow.

yeah. joey.

2003-09-11T19:22:00.000-04:00

HE'S DRIVING ME INSANE

AND HE DOESN'T KNOW IT

JESUS

2003-09-11T18:45:00.000-04:00

i'm tired. school and little kid soccer team make me so tired...*sigh* they're crazy and i hate having to yell at little kids all the time. soccer is my fun outlet. and i think i might go running after my family leaves. go me.

yeah i haven't talked to josh lately...i wonder if i should call him...or he'll call me. ah well.

anyway joey. tomorrow. yeah. yay. :-)

and goddamn school is tomorrow but i don't care about that because it is stupid and retarded in every way. go me.

2003-09-11T16:19:00.000-04:00

*makes weird noise*

i'm on the phone with andrew and it's funny. i'm making noises and he's making a definition of stasia noises. it makes me laugh a lot.

yeah joey and i looked good today. i felt good about my self today...we agreed that we were the hottest couple today. go me and my high self-esteem today.

i also hate being a girl, it sucks ass. yeah. you know.

2003-09-10T21:43:00.000-04:00

~how sweet it is to be loved by you~

that is playing in my head...over and over and over...doesn't help that i listened to that song 98361238746120386 times today

2003-09-10T21:40:00.000-04:00

EMO CHICK MOODS ARE AWESOME

i love listening to james taylor too

:-)

2003-09-10T21:07:00.000-04:00

:-) mmmm joey. yeah. i think i'll go to bed as soon as my mom gets home, which i hope is soon. mmm. *dreamlike state*

2003-09-10T18:57:00.000-04:00

ooh go me from now on no one can get to my blog without me telling them about it. now my family can't find it. thank god.

2003-09-10T18:55:00.000-04:00

oh yeah and i'm ACTUALLY going to a football game this friday, because joey is going and he wanted me to go. and yeah. that's about it. oh and he's coming to my game on sunday. yay go me.