smile through the sadness

Your Superhero Persona by couplandesque
Your Name
Superhero Name	The Scotsman
Super Power	Can Cry On Command
Enemy	Martha Stewart
Mode Of Transportation	Unicycle
Weapon	Condoms
Created with the ORIGINAL MemeGen!

My Yahoo!

goddamn it. i wish my mom would make me an appointment with that counselor. that's right, she finally got the name and number of someone in town, so i really wanna get the ball rolling. i feel so horrible right now. i want to get to incredibly drunk...goddamn it...i can't though. joey will break up with me. the worst part is, right now i can't even trust him to stay with me if i need help. because he was acting weird last night, and i dunno how to approach him anymore. i'm scared that i'll make one wrong move and ruin everything. how can i get through things easily with him, if i can't even count on him to want me enough to try to stay with me? i never broke up with him, no matter how painful it got. i can't lose him. and i will not. i refuse to. so if i can just hold my feelings inside, for however long it takes, i think i can hold on to him. my worst nightmare is that he will read this. please god, no. but i don't think he would. he no longer really cares about my innermost thoughts and things like that. he just wants his freedom. and i guess i can't blame him. but it still hurts. because you think that hey, finally something in your life is going the way you want it to, and the person who is involved wants it to be the same way you do, and then you find out that they were lying the whole time. well, maybe not the whole time, but some of the times. ok see last night he admitted that we have good times together. but he said that the times he comes over...and we're together...are the only good times he can think of. and i for one think that is bullshit because he's had plenty of other great times in his life. he's just an instant gratification kind of person. he doesn't like to wait, and he doesn't like to work for things. and he thinks that sometimes our relationship is too much work and he's worried that it's not worth it. talk about a self-esteem crusher. how would you like to hear that, folks? coming from the one person you thought felt the exact same way about a relationship as you did. do. yeah. so i get that coming from the only person who could say something that hurtful to me and actually get away with it. because i am a pushover. and that hurts more than i can say. because he uses my being a pushover to manipulate me around, and i let him. and i'm scared to do anything else. goddamn it look at the mess i've gotten myself into. and you know tomorrow we'll talk and everything will be fine, hopefully, or maybe not. but things like this happen all the time and i really don't know if anything's worth it anymore. i mean, things with my friends couldn't be better. i think. and things with joey are gonna be better after we talk. because i know they will because...just because. and my family is as horrible and stressing as ever. my mom can say as much bullshit as she wants about being there for me, but it's a crock. and that's the truth. so i honestly don't know where to turn...actually i sent josh a text message, because i wanted to talk to him but not bother him, so maybe he'll call tonight. or maybe not. i dunno. everything is just kinda up in the air. but i need either mel or josh to talk to. they're the two most rational people i know, except also darren, but he doesn't know all the details about everything like mel does, and i honestly don't feel like totally enlightening him right now because i'm lazy, plus he's not online. goddamn i need a doctor right now. i could just let go, and leave everything as it is right now, and just be...gone. because at least i could control that change. my dad is coming home in a week. i can't deal with it. i just can't. and i wish i didn't have to because i really have no idea what'll happen and what'll change with him here. we'll have even less money and i'll have even less time to relax without being bitched at and i'm sorry, i wish he could just stay in goddamn hawaii until i graduated and he just returned for small amounts of break. because i just can't take him living here for more than a week at a time. it's amazing how therapeutic writing in here is. since i haven't told anyone except darren any of this, and i only told him very little. because i didn't know all this when i talked to him, but i've had too much time to think since then. it also hurts me that when we were getting off the phone last night joey said "i love you. a lot. and i'll call you tomorrow." and he didn't call. i didn't think he would but i still had hope. but no. and it also hurts me that he said all of that in one breath, which means that if he didn't mean to call me today, then did he mean he loved me? or is that total bull? i have no idea where to turn or how to take any of this. and i wish i could just go to sleep and never wake up, because then i would never have to deal with real life. it sucks major donkey cock. and yes i just said one of the hated c words. fuck that. fuck everything. i have no will to live and nothing left to lose. but tomorrow is another day and as i seem to like to say, everything could get better tomorrow. although hope is far gone right now, i just have to stick it out and keep going. i guess.

RAWR! so i have much news, namely that joey and i got back together on monday, and everything's cool again. like *really* cool. i'm happy as...my dog sleeping on the heating vent. yeaup.

DAVE WAS ON THE TODAY SHOW THIS MORNING! it was god saying "hold on to your love for him because it will be ok." because we didn't have school today. because it snowed. because god loves me. hehe.

apparently they had to shut down I-66 this morning. because of the ice. yeah.

i have to babysit tonight. damn. oh well i need money...

i should call mel and get her to come over. or we go somewhere. hmm...possibly. i should also like to hang out with joey. but maybe not. i dunno. *shrugs* we have decided to agree to have separate lives, which is good, because i had my own life anyway, but it means we don't talk every night. so...i dunno. it's cool that we don't talk every night because it was too much of a good thing. it makes me happy that i don't have to talk to him every night! because then we have more to talk about when we do talk. uhh so yeah. i'm bored. and he and i are going to hang out sometime this weekend but ya know, i guess it can't be today, i dunno. i wanna go for a walk and then hang out in earthly paradise. then tomorrow he doesn't have to see me and sunday he doesn't have to see me either. i dunno. maybe it would be better to hang out at border's tomorrow. BLAH whatever i'll talk to him.

so next friday is the awesome show that i am going to. i can't wait because it'll be really really fun because joey is going too and it can be the perfect date like i like it.

anyways i'm gonna go take a shower. my dog keeps licking my leg and i HATE it.

horoscope for tomorrow:

You may find that lovers and potential dates are in the mood to spoil you rotten today. The astral alignment encourages great warmth and real passion. Don't worry about becoming involved in too much of a good thing; we all need times when we can just kick back and be absolutely ourselves, so just go for it. You really deserve this treat.

please God, please.

also another one:

Can you feel that tingle, Aquarius? There's something electric in the air. Take another look in the mirror and make sure you're looking good; You won't be the only one checking yourself out!

ok. well. let's go. mel and i talked last night, which was a very good thing. see, i got myself back in perspective, as you can see. well andrew and i went to dinner last night, and then we went for a walk all around town talking and then we came back and sat on my front porch and talked. it was nice. and then i got home and called melly and we talked for a while and she helped most of all, since she *is* a girl and all. things are nice when you have friends who love you. i'm now on a mission to get joey back. he will come back because...i will work so hard to get him back that he won't be able to resist. well, if i keep telling myself that, and keeping hope, then ok.

oh yeah so i'm single again. go me. uhm not really, since i'd give anything NOT to be single, but there it is. keep up the smile.

i went running this morning because i couldn't stay in my mind right then, and i saw three dogs in the front of this pickup truck, three tiny dogs, and they made me smile. haha.

well. today was the worst day in the world. because joey and i broke up.

i dunno...we got in a fight, actually i was in a bad mood, and i started saying shit and he just...broke up with me. and then later he called me and we talked and now we have some thing going on where we love each other but we're not going out. because he swears he loves me.

this hurts so bad. so much worse than any other breakup. EVER. i need to get out of this damn house. right now.

goddamn it.

maybe on monday...if i'm still here.

i'm not so sure i'll be here on monday. if i don't write anything else here from now on, then i'm sorry but i gave up. when everything you believe, in the entire world, gives out on you, there's nothing to do but give up, yourself. i think i'll get andrew to take me somewhere tonight. i can't stay here. i'm gonna kill myself. seriously.

but...he still loves me.

but...i still love him.

but it hurts so fucking MUCH.

the ataris are good for breakups.

well. i'm holding up surprisingly well, considering that i haven't seen joey in a week. i'm fine though. i really am. it's just that i wasn't used to it. i'm still having horrible nightmares. i actually woke up crying at 6 this morning, which is weird for me, i don't cry, come on. so...anyway. i found out that pubic hair turns gray. i learned that today...i looked it up online. bwahahaha. i can't imagine it...but then i can't imagine it staying dark either. whatevers.

i just found this and it seemed interesting...a little while ago joey told me about a dream he had and part of it was that he was running around naked with his dad, but it wasn't his real dad...

"Being naked in a dream suggests vulnerability and exposure. It could be compensation to what is going on in daily life. Are you very guarded and unwilling to let people see the "real" you or are you feeling embarrassment as a result of a mistake or emotional reaction? With this dream the unconscious might be encouraging you to become more open with your feelings and more accessible emotionally. Additionally, if you see yourself naked in inappropriate places, your rebellious side may be coming through and with it some fear that people may not accept you for what you really are."

hmm. that leads me to believe that maybe he would like to be closer to his dad, but maybe he feels that to do that his dad needs to be different. hmm i dunno, if you have a take on what i just said, let me know.

DUDE. joey worries about people liking him all the time. case closed.

jason just talked to me. weeeeee-eird. ah well. it's fine.

andrew's an asshole and kelly keeps getting high and mel isn't talking. i may as well talk to him. besides i don't mind.

can't wait till joey comes home...

*sigh* i know, i know, i should have updated lately, but i haven't. i haven't really wanted to...and i've been busy...and i haven't been sleeping hardly at all, or when i do i have nightmares, so i'm really tired lately. i really miss joey. i hate when he's not here. stupid florida. but i do hope that he's having fun.

my dad might be getting a job here. fun stuff with moneys. not monkeys.

uhm. yeah.

*sigh* christmas. that time of the year when everyone should be happy. and i think it is needless to say, i am not. i almost wrote "i am snot." how apropos. anyway. so joey's in florida...that's fine. i hope he's having fun. and my dad's here. poo. and i'm back on the mac, as my dad decided that the dell shouldn't be used by the family, aka ruined by the family. what the hell ever. i don't care.

my mom's being so bitchy lately. i think my dad's snoring is keeping her up at night and that's why she's bitchy. i dunno though. i sure am sick of it...

we went to foster's last night with diane and raul, and oscar showed up with all his kids...it was fun...then we went to raul and diane's and spent a couple hours there. it was cool. my sister is also being a bitch. i hate her.

we're going to my mom's friend's house tomorrow night for dinner. ok.

that's all. i hate stuff.

oh yeah andrew and i hung out yesterday, it was fun.

ok. time for interesting things. ok today i went to joey's house (shannon's house) at 1, and when i got there we went up to his room and opened presents...it was very nice. and now to say what he gave me. first off, he gave me this really pretty white gold necklace, it has a pearl on the end of it, with a tiny little diamond right on top. wow, it's REALLY beautiful and OH MY GOD wow. he has incredible taste. it's so pretty aaaaaa wow. ok. he also gave me slippers (green fuzzy ones with leopard print on the inside, yay green), and a candle that smells like my favorite smell (midsummer night's dream, by yankee candles), and a little box of chocolates (one of those whitman's samplers), and a stocking that he decorated for me...his grandma said he took three hours making it perfect, aawww i'm sorry but he's the sweetest guy in the world, wow. i'm serious, that necklace is really the best thing i've ever gotten. joey you are the best ever. :-)

yeah so shannon gave me two pairs of earrings (stars), a necklace that is a star with a little blue jewel thing in the middle, and a ring watch that has a frog on the top. haha it was great. yeah. so i'm gonna give her the present i got for her on monday at her party. i'm glad joey will be there...

so today was the showoff stasia day...i guess it went all right, i mean i HOPE it went all right...i tried to be on my best behavior but i was kinda tired so i dunno. i hope i was ok. i didn't say anything objectional. and his grandma came over and put her arm around me. and i helped her carry cookies upstairs. i dunno. i was a nice person today, at least to them. and played with ricky by myself for like a freakin hour... it's cool though. we had fun. we played with his train set...yes, i'm two years old.

anyway.

uh so tomorrow is WORK A LOT day, so that on monday night i can go to the party. yeehaw. and my dad's coming on tuesday, and then wednesday is christmas eve, and then thursday is christmas and joey's coming over! yeah buddy. i guess he'll come over after i eat christmas dinner, which is like at 1 or 2 i guess. so he'll come over at like 3 or 4. and i think i'll make him watch a movie with me. yes.

probably seabiscuit...i think my mom said we would watch that on christmas.

i sound funny. i'm currently not really in my head, because i'm remembering things right now, yeah.

i love rammstein. and joey. and together. yeah buddy.

mmmmmm

ok

i talked to joey and i feel better

i scared him...he was crying...he thought i was gonna break up with him...

i dunno, maybe it's just me, but who can't love a guy like that?

*sigh*

but tomorrow is the day when i go and he shows me off to all his family. i dunno what i should wear but he and i can't figure it out. yes.

darren is an amazing friend.

i'm tired of being forgotten and ignored. i'm trying to hard to hold on, but without help i'm gonna give up. when i give up on him, i'll give up on myself, because he is the one thing i can believe in right now.

i can't deal with this. i can't take this. it hurts me so much it's making me sick.

oh yeah dude it took me 2 hours to do this one calculus problem. goddamn wanting to be an architect and do math things...

LOTR TOMORROW! YEEHAW! ANDREW AND I ARE LEAVING SCHOOL EARLY!

i love everything. especially awesome movies.

yes.

why did snoop dogg need an umbrella?


fo' drizzle



HAHAHAHAH

stephanie told that one today. yes. and let's see...uhm ok andrew drove me to school today and we got coffee and WEEEEE i'm hyper. yes. i drew a new munchkin comic today. i'm amazing, joey said it was really funny.

yes. joey thinks i'm really funny now. i love everything.

:-)

tomorrow is friday and I'M GOING TO SEE LORD OF THE RINGS WITH ANDREW AFTER SCHOOL! yay.

and then on saturday is christmas before christmas.

ok.

report card day. hmm. two a's and two b's...mediocre grades for a mediocre person. fuck things. anyways...i was supposed to go to joey's tonight. but no. things did not work out and he was supposed to call me when he got home. i hate it lately because he's grounded and can't talk on the phone. damn everything.

nick won't shut up about his goddamn christmas present. i think alex told him something. stupid stuff going on.

i need to find some new funny comics.

i'm bored as shit........

meow.

roses are red.
violets are blue.
you are bread
i am love you

haha that is a poem from the comics i linked to earlier, white ninja comics. exciting stuff. and very funny.

mewo.

that's what i wrote before. but then i changed it to be right.

wow the grapes of wrath is a good book. we didn't have school yesterday so i finished it. wow.

i'm procrastinating like a motherfucker. i don't wanna do my work...*sigh* stupid calculus problem set.

ah fuck it. forget doing homework. i miss joey. *sighs again* and i'm having a good conversation with the darrener.

goodbye.

uhhh excuse my bitchiness last time. joey is a wonderful person, it's just that i've been bitchy lately and he hasn't been calling me as much as usual and shit like that. and he's also a wonderful boyfriend. yes. anyway.

i got his presents today. i can't wait till saturday...neither of us can wait till christmas so we're giving them to each other on saturday when i come over to his grandma's house. sounds fun.

yeah uh i dunno what else to say...i got shannon a present too but that's all i need to buy because she lives at the same place that her grandma does and it would be mean to not get her anything.

go to this place because it is funny. i printed a lot of 'em.

i don't like it when people forget about me.

i also don't like it when they don't like me.

i also HATE it when they aren't there for me when i really need them.

and lots of other things

i've been cutting myself more lately. i've done it every night since tuesday, which is a lot for me. last night and the night before were both on the wrist. i think that i would like to end things.

fuck joey. who needs boyfriends anyway?

i also wrote last night

i don't need to rely on anyone other than myself. that will keep me safe for as long as i live.

andrew is being friendly. he is going to a party tonight.

i don't get invited to parties.

oh well who the hell cares?

here, look atthis. it made me think. not about joey, but it made me think.